


A secret to hide!

by Muizeke83



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-15
Updated: 2014-05-15
Packaged: 2018-01-24 03:49:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1590599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Muizeke83/pseuds/Muizeke83
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not Captain like, but after Neelix' party, it gets out of hand in Janeway's quarters...</p><p>Disclaimer: They're not mine, but I can play with them, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A secret to hide

"Want some coffee?"

"Thanks." he answered.

"Cream and sugar, huh?" she smiled as she stood up and walked around the desk.

"Two sugars."

"Owh, TWO sugars?" she frowned.

He smiled in return at her underlying comment.

"You know, you drink too much of that stuff."

"Really…" As if she didn't know.

"If I'm not mistaking, that's your third cup this morning."

"Fourth, and on a day like today it won't be my last." she stated as she poured him a cup.

He shook his head and smiled a half crooked smile.

"Coffee… the finest organic suspension ever devised! It's got me through the worst of the last three years." she added the cream and yes, two sugars, and offered him the cup.

"I beat the Borg with it!" They both laughed at that, breaking a bit of the tension.

"Oh, I'm sure Voyager will be fine!" she casually stretched her feet onto the table and relaxed. Chakotay sat down beside her.

"But I'm worried that the crew might be a different story." she said with a slight concern. He felt the ever present sadness for the wellbeing of her crew. That's all she was ever worried about after an ordeal like the one that day. All she wanted was for them to get home or at least have contact with home.

"I think they were hoping mail call would become a regular part of their day."

Trying to make her feel a little better, he carefully changed the subject.

"Neelix is putting together an impromptu party? He thought it might cheer them up." He sipped his coffee.

"Good idea! When will it be?" she smiled.

"As soon as he can get people together!" Her smile widened and she shook her head, knowing Neelix would have it going in no time.

"Leave it to Neelix to come up with the right idea at the right time!"

His smile changed in a concerned look, knowing that she had too received a letter from home, and after she had read it in private, her mood had changed the past day. He knew something was bothering her. He felt it.

"How are you doing?"

"Me… I'm fine!" He knew her too well, she thought, as he laughed quietly at her response. She knew she couldn't convince him with that answer.

"You'd say that if you just had your legs torn off by a Trachon beast." He was right.

"Look at what you've been through the last few days. We finally make a connection with home and then it's ripped away from us."

The truth in his words made her hurt inside, realizing how close they had indeed been those few days. She closed her eyes and let her head fall back on the couch.

"We manage to make another enemy, who's gonna try and hunt us down and destroy us. AND, on top of that…" he paused.

"It's alright, you can say it." she said in a low and sad voice.

"On top of all that, I got a 'Dear John' letter." It made her feel vulnerable to even admit that it bothered her so much. He looked at her in compassion, making it even worse. She looked down to try and get her composure back.

"Wasn't really a surprise…I guess I didn't really expect him to wait for me, considering the circumstances." she sighed heavily, saying this for the first time out loud. She might have not expected him to, but she sure wished it was the case.

"It made me realize that I was just using him as a safety net, you know." she admitted.

"As a way to avoid becoming involved with someone else."

"You don't have that safety net anymore." He replied, hoping she meant what he thought she meant.

"That's right…" And he WAS right.

"Then again, my life is far from uneventful here in the Delta Quadrant." They smiled at the truth that had just been said.

"It's not that I would have had a chance to pursue a relationship, even if I had realized I was alone." There she was wrong.

"You're hardly alone! And to my way of thinking…"he paused, "there's still plenty of time."

"Plenty of time…"she agreed. 70 and odd years to be exact.

The computer chirped: "Neelix to the Ready Room. The party is about to begin and there are only two people missing."

"We're on our way!" she stated, putting up her finger. A little smile reappeared on her lips.

Chakotay stood up and walked around the table to offer her his arm. She accepted with pleasure as she laughed out loud, placing her hand in the crook of his elbow. The sound was music to his ears. They both smiled brightly and walked out of the Ready Room.

\--------------------

"Ah, Captain, Commander, glad you could join us. There's food and drinks, music,… Enjoy yourselves! You've earned it." Neelix greeted them as they entered the Mess Hall.

"We've ALL earned it!" she winked. "What about some champagne?"

"Wonderful idea! I'll get right on it!" he smiled and turned to get it.

Kathryn looked around the room to see everyone enjoying themselves, despite what happened. She wished she could enjoy it as much, but it was still hard for her to let go of the fact they had lost another chance. Was it the third now? The fourth, she couldn't remember. It had hurt every time, but this time they had contact with their family instead of Starfleet. That was more close and personal. Harder to let go.

Chakotay placed a hand on the small of her back, wondering why she had suddenly become quiet again. She looked up at him and smiled reassuringly, hoping he would leave it at that.

Harry noticed them and walked over, the biggest smile on his face.

"I take it you got some good news from your parents?" Chakotay asked.

"Yes, I did. Mom and Dad were over the moon to hear from me. They never gave up on me! They can't wait for me to come home and hold me in their arms. They'll probably hug me to death." He rolled his eyes and smiled.

"I'm sure they will do just that." Kathryn answered as she put her hands on his upper arms. She couldn't help but smile at her young ensign, who still was like a little boy when he talked about his parents. Although he had grown so much in these three years, he would still be her protégé.

Neelix walked past them and offered them a glass of champagne. They each took one and Kathryn stepped forward to say a little word to her crew.

"This day hasn't ended the way we wanted it to. I'm sure my hopes of constantly receiving messages from home were the same as yours. But as we all know, nothing hardly ever is that simple here in the Delta Quadrant." A light laughter filled the room, but it didn't last long.

"I know I've said this before, but I will say it again. Although it won't be easy, we WILL find another way! We WILL find our way home!" She raised her glass.

"Hear hear!" They all said in unison and took a sip of their glass. Small groups formed as they began their conversations again. Kathryn walked to a nearby empty table and took a seat. Chakotay sat down next to her and they both watched their crew in silence for a minute.

In no time her glass was empty and he stood up to get another one. Instead of bringing just one glass, he put down a cooler on the table with a bottle just for them. He refilled their glasses and offered one to Kathryn.

"Kathryn…"he paused, making her look at him in question. She waited for him to continue, but he didn't.

"Mhm, what is it?" she asked.

"It's nothing." He shook his head and looked away.

"You sure? You can tell me anything." He got her curious.

He couldn't decide if he should tell her he was glad she lost her 'safety net'. She had been really upset about this news, although she said she had expected it somehow. Maybe she would think this was what he was waiting for all along. That she would forget about Mark and just move on, now that they knew they weren't going to get home for a long time. That he wanted her to be untrue to him, just because he wanted her for himself.

Although there was a little truth in that, it was not how he imagined it to go. He imagined her to move on in her own time. He would never take advantage of a situation like this. He hoped, but knew it could never be. They were the top of the command chain, what message would they give the crew?

"Chakotay?" He guessed he had been quiet for a while for her to draw his attention back. He just smiled.

"I just want you to know I'm here for you." he said. She felt the meaning behind his words and swallowed hard. She fought the sting in her eyes.

"I know." was all she could manage. Now she was the one to look away. They both went quiet as they took another sip. They just sat there, looking around the room, watching their crew enjoy themselves.

\--------------------

"You've gone awfully quiet on me." Chakotay said, startling her. "Sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I am. It's just… I was thinking about the past couple of years."She paused and turned to look at him. She searched his warm, brown eyes for strength.

"I've seen the tears and the heartache, and I've felt the pain. I've seen the hatred and so many lives lost in vain." Tears welled up, but she kept strong. "I know that dreams we hang on to, can just fade away. And I know that words can be wasted with so much to say."

"Kathryn…"

"Let me finish." she pleaded. I took her a minute to continue, pondering on every word she was about to say. "Chakotay… when I feel helpless, and I do sometimes despite what I make out to believe, there's always a light that shines through."

They looked at each other, feeling the heaviness of what had just been said. Did she just imply that he was her light? She closed her eyes and a single tear ran down her face. She instantly wiped it away, looking out the window, when Tom interrupted them.

"Commander, want to be our fourth man in a game of poker? "

She smiled at him, assuring him it was okay. He hesitated for a moment, a concerned look on his face.

"Go and enjoy yourself!" she said, "We'll talk about this later."

He nodded and stood up, briefly touching her shoulder with his fingertips.

"Ready to get your ass whooped… Sorry Commander."

She couldn't help but smile at the comment Tom had just made to an outranking officer, as she watched Chakotay give him a glare. She poured herself another glass and took a few sips before looking out the window again. She hoped Chakotay understood what she had been trying to say. He was her light, the one who always got her back on to her feet, when she was knocked down. The one who refused letting her slip in that dark place that was always so close. The one who carried her burden with her.

She felt tired, physically and emotionally, and felt like going to her quarters, take a long hot bath and crawl into bed. But Neelix had gone to so much trouble organizing this lovely gathering in such a short time, that she felt it would be insulting to leave so soon. She finished her glass and filled it again, setting it down on the table.

Naomi ran over to her, with a sad look on her face. She turned around, crossed her arms and leaned against Kathryn's legs. She let out an exaggerated sigh, which made Kathryn smile because she knew what was wrong the minute she saw Ensign Wildman coming towards them too.

"NO, I don't want to go to sleep yet! I'm not tired!"she yelled.

"Naomi, it's already eight o'clock. It's time to go to bed."

"NO!"she stated and turned around to look into Kathryn's eyes, pleading for backup. "Please Captain Janeway, can I stay up a little while longer, PLEEEEEASE…"

She picked up the little girl, sat her across her lap and envelopped her in a warm embrace. She winked at Samantha and smiled back at Naomi.

"Let's make a deal, shall we. I'll tell you a bedtime story and then you go with your mom off to bed. What do you say?"she winked.

Naomi took a deep breath, thought it over for a second and nodded. "Okay." Samantha smiled and left the two for their little moment together.

"It's a story somebody told me once, not long ago. It's about an angry warrior…" Why she was telling her Chakotay's story, she didn't know, but she took her own comfort in telling it and remembering what he had meant with it.

Naomi listened intently. When the story was finished, she hugged Kathryn. "Thank you, goodnight Captain." She gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Kathryn hugged her back, really holding on tight to the little girl, imagining herself with her own child, which she knew she would never have as long as they were stranded out here. She had to let go as Samantha took her daughter by the hand to take her to her quarters.

"Thank you." she whispered. Kathryn dipped her head and smiled.

She watched them walk away. Her mind was all over the place. Her chest tightened at the thoughts going through her. She stranded her crew, they lost contact with home, she didn't know how to explain her feelings towards her First Officer, she lost her safety net that was Mark, her longing to have a child,…

It almost felt like a panic attack was coming, but she managed to fight it. She was amongst all of her crewmembers, what would they think… She reached for her glass, emptied it again and took a deep breath. She stood up and walked over to the window, leaning against a bulkhead.

"Get your act together, Captain!"she whispered to herself, using her rank to emphasize the reason why she had to.

"Care for another drink, Captain?" She turned around, startled.

"Thank you, B'Elanna." she smiled. She accepted the glass and looked at it, trying to figure out what it was.

"It's a Neelix cocktail." B'Elanna explained at the puzzeled look on Kathryn's face. "I don't know what's in it, but it tastes good. Sweet and alcoholic." She raised her glass and took a sip. She thought they could use it.

"Oh, okay." Kathryn tried it as well and nodded. "Nice indeed, but I guess you don't need a lot of these to get light-headed." she stated, already feeling like that now she thought about it. It kind of felt nice, numbing.

"I'm off duty tomorrow, so I don't really care."

Kathryn could hear in B'Elanna's voice that she wasn't in a cheery mood. "I take it you got a bad letter?"

She looked out the window. "No, but the one Chakotay got, was as bad for me as it was for him."

"Chakotay?"

"Yeah, he got a letter from a Maquis friend telling us that all of our friends were killed. The Cardassians have wiped them all out. Thousands of them. Just about every one of the Maquis is dead, except for us." She clenched her fist and hit the bulkhead. Kathryn grabbed her hand and held it.

"B'Elanna, I'm so sorry." She tried to comfort her. B'Elanna pulled her hand away and held it up between them.

"I don't want to be comforted! Those were our friends, GOOD people willing to put their lives on the line for what they believed in." She was getting furious again, just like she had been when Chakotay had told her the news.

"B'Elanna, I understand, but try to be calm. There's nothing you can do."

"I WILL make them pay! If we ever get home." Her words hit Kathryn like a ton of bricks. If… She sighed deeply.

"I've got to get out of here!" B'Elanna turned on her heel and stomped away. Kathryn reached for her, but couldn't catch her. Her heart felt heavy again as she watched B'Elanna leave the room. She knew her well enough to know that this would subside after she had a quiet night on her own to think it all over.

Her own heart was beating heavily as she felt the threatening panic attack again. She looked at her drink, knowing it was a bad idea, but emptied it anyway. She squinted as the alcohol tickled the back of her throat. She blew out a huff of air.

She turned around to sit at the table again and poured the last of the bottle of champagne into her glass. At that point, she couldn't care less.

\--------------------

Chakotay couldn't concentrate on the poker game. His eyes kept drifting off to where he had left Kathryn and saw her still sitting in that same spot, still looking out the window.

"Chakotay?"

"Hmm? Oh sorry, I fold." he said and threw his cards on the table.

"You serious?" Tom asked in disbelieve, knowing Chakotay had a good hand.

"I call it quits guys, I'm exhausted." he started to stand up.

"Oh come on." Tom tried to change his mind, but it didn't work.

"Sorry." he just said and walked away from the table towards Kathryn. As he came closer, he could see that she was not well. "Kathryn?" he touched her shoulder. She looked up at him with an unfocused look and gave him a lopsided grin.

"Hi, 'kotay." He looked at her in concern and came closer to look in her eyes. They were bloodshot.

"Kathryn, you're drunk." he said, a little irritated.

"Am not, jusss teeny bit." She reached for his arm and knocked over her glass. It shattered on the table and it suddenly went quiet in the room.

"Ooops."

"Let's get you to your quarters." He helped her up and had to hold her firmly as she swayed suddenly. He put his arms around her waist to support her and started walking to the door.

Tuvok walked over to them. "Is the Captain all right."

"No she's not! I don't want anyone to see her like this!" Tuvok looked at her and knew exactly why. He nodded in agreement and let them pass. As the door closed, he turned around to see everyone staring.

"The Captain is fine. She is exhausted and will return to her quarters for a good night's rest." He returned to his table and everyone started talking again.

"Is she really okay?" Tom asked.

"As I said, she is just exhausted. Nothing to worry about."

\--------------------

Chakotay got them into the turbo lift without running in to anyone, much to his relief.

"Deck 3."

"Chakotay, I…"she started as she looked up at him.

"Not now, let's get you to your quarters first." He refused to look at her.

She pouted and tried to focus on the doors as they opened. He guided her out of the lift, grabbing on to her, because she couldn't set one foot straight before the other anymore. Although she was a light-weight, he had trouble balancing them both. He was glad her quarters weren't that far. He keyed in the lock code and stepped inside, walking straight to her sleeping section. He sat her down on the bed and she immediately fell backwards, one arm over her head.

"My, my, you don't hesitate." She giggled, words coming out slurred.

He looked at her, hands on his hips and shaking his head, not knowing how to respond to all this. She pushed herself into a sitting position and reached for his jacket. She pulled him closer to grab on to his arms and pulled herself in a standing position. She looked him in the eyes, the stupidest grin on her face. He turned away and sighed.

"Chakotay," she started as she placed her hands on his face to make him look at her. Her look saddened as she began to realize she had crossed the line. " 'm sorry. Don't know what came over me." She let go of his face and let her hands rest on his shoulders.

"Kathryn, you always go on about how the Senior Staff has to set an example for the rest of the crew, well, some example you are now. You're the Captain for God sake!" he raised his voice a little to show her exactly how angry he was at the moment, but regretted it immediately as he saw tears forming in her eyes.

"I'm sorry." she whispered as she looked down and rested her forehead on his chest.

"Oh Kathryn." he just said. His hands came up, one resting on her back, the other one on the back of her head. He felt her starting to cry and gently stroked her back. "Shhh, it's okay."

She wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight as she let it all out. She was glad he was there, holding on to her as she felt like the world was caving in on her. How could she let herself get drunk, when she was supposed to be the one to keep her crew positive after everything. They should be able to come to her in their time of need, instead she just thought about herself and got smashed.

"My eyes have seen too much. This nightmare…it's not fair and I had enough! I've been beat down and I've been broken, but each day I give it another try. For the crew, the Staff, for you… I saw for one fleeting moment, joy and hope in everyone's eyes and it has been ripped away yet again." she sobbed. She clenched her fists, hurting herself as her fingernails dug in her palms.

"You always put your crew first, as a Captain should, but who is there for YOU in YOUR time of need? Remember the angry warrior legend? I promised to be by your side, doing whatever I can to make your burden lighter."

"I remember."

"But I can't be that person if you don't let me in. If you don't confide in me I can't help you with whatever is troubling you." He felt so helpless. He often tried to break through her shell, but she just turned to herself, trying to figure it out on her own. He knew that sometime she had to break down. That time was right now and this time, he was there for her. His heart felt heavy as he sensed her pain and heared her cry.

Her crying subsided as she tried to gain control over her emotions again. He let go of her head, so she could look at him. Her red rimmed eyes locked with his deep browns as she searched for what she wanted to tell him. She knew exactly what to tell him, but couldn't seem to find the heart.

"There are no words that can describe how I feel deep inside."

"Try." he insisted.

She closed her eyes for a second, took in a deep breath and held it.

"I feel lost." she let out. "There's some much I want to see different, undo some choices I've made in the past, have the people we lost safe and sound again. To begin with at least. And…"she paused again.

"And what, Kathryn. Just tell me." he urged her to go on, feeling he was so close.

"There were times I ran to hide, afraid to show how I really felt inside. But I know now just who you are and that you truly hold my heart. Till today I've wondered if this is where I belong, here in your arms." she let it all pour out, having spoken those words a million times before since New Earth. With every one of those words out there now, she felt some weight being lifted of her shoulders.

"It is finally clear to me… YOU are the home my heart was looking for, not Mark. Please tell me that there's some truth in what I'm seeing in your eyes… what I'm feeling when you touch me… what I'm hearing when you say my name…" she pleaded as silent tears rolled down her cheeks again.

At first he couldn't believe what she was saying. But as her words sank in, he knew that she felt exactly the same way about him, as he had felt since the first time they had met. His eyes grew moist and he started smiling, showing off his lovely dimples.

"Kathryn, you not only belong here in my arms, you belong in my heart… my soul… you're everything to me…" The words choked in his throat. "You had me since the first time I met you on the bridge. And since our time at New Earth, my love has only grown stronger."

"Oh Chakotay." she cried. His hands came up to her face and cupped her cheeks. His thumb stroked gently, wiping away her tears.

"I love you, Kathryn Janeway, with all my heart!" He leaned in and kissed her beautiful, wet mouth. Tasting the salt of her tears and the sweetness of her luscious lips, he felt like heaven opened its doors for him.

He tried to hold on to that sensation, but she suddenly pulled away. He looked at her in concern as her eyes widened. Did he do something wrong? Didn't she just admit in feeling the same?

"Oh God…"she said, pushing him back a little. "I don't feel so good…" Her hand went to her mouth as she felt something come up. She pushed him out of the way and ran to the toilet. She fell to her knees just in time and retched violently. Chakotay walked in after her and drenched a washcloth with cold water. He knelt down beside her and held her hair back. Although he was a little disgusted, he didn't mind being there.

"Ugh, awful." she managed to say, feeling a little embarrassed.

"It's okay, just let it out." He reassured her. Her body heaved again as more came out. She almost choked, but managed to take a deep breath in between. When nothing came up anymore, she collapsed against his chest, eyes closed, breathing heavily. He cleaned of her face and hand.

She opened her eyes slightly. "Thank you. I feel much better now."

"Let's get you to bed" he said as he put his arms under her knees and around her back, picking her up. She let her head rest on his shoulder while she held on to the washcloth. He gently laid her down, trying not to upset her stomach again with sudden movements. He took of her shoes and jacket.

"Could you get me a glass of water, or my mouthwash? I still have this awful taste in my mouth." she asked.

"Sure, I'll be right back." He headed towards the bathroom again, flushed the toilet and looked for her mouthwash.

She couldn't believe what had just happened. She had never felt more embarrassed in her life, with him standing over her, holding her hair while she was sick. On the other hand, she also found it a very sweet gesture. It proved he was there for her all the way. She managed to take of her undershirt and slacks, but decided to keep on her tank and underwear. She removed the clip from her hair and lied down on the pillow.

Chakotay came back in and put down a bowl and the mouthwash. He helped her sit up and handed her the glass of water. She took small sips and tried to keep them down. When she had enough, he handed her the bowl and mouthwash, so she could get rid of the nasty taste.

"Thanks." she sighed. She lay back down and he took everything back to the bathroom, except for the glass of water and bowl. She slowly turned on her right side, laying close to the edge, and tried to focus on her breathing. She felt nauseous again, but nothing came of it.

"You okay? You still look pale." He asked as he pulled her blanket over her. He pushed away a strand of hair and caressed her cheek.

"I will be. Still a bit nauseous, but I'll manage." she assured him, although she wasn't so sure herself. "I'm just sleepy now."

"Then close your eyes and sleep." He turned around, but she quickly grabed his hand and pulled him back a little.

"Stay with me, please?" she begged. "I don't want to be alone tonight."

"I wasn't planning on going anywhere." he smiled, reassuring her. She let go of his hand so he could take of his shoes and jacket. He too stripped down to his t-shirt and boxers and crawled in behind her. He scooted over, spooning her. Afraid to disturb her, he lay very quiet.

"Hold me." she whispered as she reached behind her to pull his arm around her. He closed his eyes and buried his nose in her hair, breathing in her flowery scent. He had longed for this for so long.

"I'll never let you go." he said and they both drifted off to sleep.

\--------------------

Kathryn woke up with an awful sensation going through her. She felt like she was going to be sick again and drew in a deep breath. Chakotay stirred in his sleep and pulled his arm away, much to her relief. She slid out of bed and rushed to the bathroom, to puke out whatever is left in her stomach. Not much it seemed, because all she managed to bring up was a small amount of bile.

' I'm never drinking again' she thought, as she laid her head on one arm, still hanging on to the toilet. She felt drained and her throat hurt. She closed her eyes, not having the strength to get back up again. It didn't take long before she drifted off to sleep, although she was sitting in that uncomfortable position.

Chakotay turned to search for her warmth, but when he didn't find her he was up in a second, glancing around the room. "Kathryn?" he whispered. When she didn't answer, he got out of bed to look in the bathroom. When he saw her, he felt sad for her. Not only because she was sick, but why she got drunk in the first place. He knelt down beside her and gently caressed her cheek with his fingers.

"Kathryn." he whispered again. She didn't move. He brushed away a strand of hair and kissed the top of her head. "Kathryn."

"Hmm." she moaned and furrowed her eyebrows. She didn't look like she was about to wake up, so he scooped her up in his arms and carried her to bed. He crawled back in next to her, propped up on one elbow to look at her. She looked so peaceful sleeping, but he knew she was restless inside. He felt powerless. Why wasn't he able to help the one he loved so deeply. A silent tear ran down his face and fell on his hand. He looked at it and couldn't hold it in anymore. He covered his face and tried to muffle his sobs, making his throat hurt. He didn't understand his reaction, but he just couldn't stop. Suddenly he felt her hand pull at his wrist.

"Chakotay." she whispered. He couldn't look at her so he kept his eyes closed, but his tears kept falling anyway. She put her hand on his shoulder and pulled him down in a hug. He laid his head on her chest and held on to her, letting it all out. She gently rubbed his back, soothing him. It took him a couple of minutes, but regained his composure. They both went silent again.

She was the first to say something. "Guess we're both in pretty bad shape, aren't we." He chuckled and turned his head up to look her in the eye. She too smiled a soft smile, making him feel better.

"Guess we are. Let's do something about that." She looked at him in question. He moved a little and was now hovering over her. Their eyes locked and her heart fluttered lightly. His soft lips met hers in a wonderful kiss, stirring up the warmth within her. He broke the kiss and looked at her. She still had her eyes closed.

"Are you okay?" he asked. Their first kiss hadn't been that successful.

"I feel… wonderful." she smiled. "Kiss me again!" He did as ordered and placed his lips on hers again. She ran her fingers through his hair and pulled him closer. She melted as his tongue joined the kiss. A moan escaped from deep within her, as he coaxed her into arousal.

His free hand caressed her knee and up her thigh. His lips left hers and started kissing her cheek, her jawbone and her neck. She turned her head slightly to give him better access. He immediately found the spot that made her wild, making her moan. Her arms went limb and she let them fall on her pillow, surrendering to his ministrations.

His hand left her legs and trailed up along her side, grazing the side of her breast. He kissed his way down to the neckline of her tank, making her arch her back to encourage him to go on. He pulled down the strap, revealing a crisp white satin bra. He always thought of her of being a lace type of woman, but now he guessed she was as soft inside as the fabric hidden underneath the façade of captain.

He kissed the top of her breast and his thumb caressed the already hardened nub. She gasped and arched further into his touch. Feeling the constriction of her tank, she pushed him aside and pulled it off over her head. Instead of lying back down, she swung her leg over his hips pushed him down. She looked him in the eyes and he saw the uncontrollable hunger in hers. She looked like a feline creature ready to attack, and she did. She closed the distance between them, plunging into his mouth and digging her fingernails into his chest. She broke the kiss to pull his tank over his head and discarded it to the floor. She straddled his hips and felt his hard member brushing against her inner folds.

His hands went up behind her, unclasping her bra. She crossed her arms in front of her, taking off her bra, but not letting him have the pleasure yet of seeing her in her full bareness. He pushed up in a sitting position, their bodies close and he kissed her again.

"Let me see you." he whispered in her mouth. She put her arms around his neck and arched her back again, offering her breasts to him. He kissed the valley between them, taking in her scent.

"It has been awhile since anyone has seen me… well, naked." she said, feeling a bit exposed.

"You look beautiful." His breath was warm against her skin. He kissed her breast and suddenly locked on to her nipple, making her gasp. She lost all coherent thoughts as a wave of arousal made his way down. She moaned deeply as his tongue played with the tight nub. He refocused on the other nipple, tugging it lightly with his teeth. She couldn't take this much longer. She cupped his cheeks, making him look at her.

"I want you to… I NEED you to make love to me, NOW!" she begged. He gently pushed her of him and she lay down again. He pulled down her underpants and threw them on the floor. He did the same with his boxers and her eyes grew wide. His erection caused her breath to catch and he couldn't help but smile.

He moved his knees between her welcoming legs, hovering over her. He slowly slid inside her, making her hold her breath and her mouth forming an 'o'. He gave her a moment to adjust. As she relaxed her inner muscles, he started to move, each time going a little deeper.

"Oh my… this feels good." she said huskily. She pulled up her knees, locking her feet behind him, urging him to go faster. She closed her eyes, but he just couldn't stop looking at her.

He tried to slow down again, wanting this to last a little bit longer. She looked at him and smiled wickedly as she tightened her inner muscles. He closed his eyes and concentrated on not coming yet, wanting her to come with him. He repositioned himself on his knees and she let her legs fall open. He began to thrust again, rubbing against the front wall of her vagina. Her breathing changed as she could only manage short gasps. The sensation was intense and she could feel her entire body begin to tremble with the pleasure that ripped through her.

She closed her eyes and her mouth dropped open. "Oh, oh, oh God." she cried in ecstasy. He quickened his pace and felt the same sensation build up inside him. She knew he was about to come, so she tightened her inner muscles one last time, making him cry out her name. "Kathryn!" His hot semen filled her as he thrust hard a few last times, pausing between each one. He collapsed on top of her, breathing very heavily. She just wrapped her arms around him, not wanting him to leave her warmth just yet.

"I love you, Chakotay." she whispered in his ear. He lifted his head to look into her eyes and smiled.

"I love you too, with all my heart!" he answered and kissed her softly. He pulled out of her and stretched out against her side. There was nothing more to be said, so they just looked at each other, savoring this wonderful feeling.

She felt her eyes growi heavy, so she turned to her side, pulling him close to her. He nuzzled her hair and closed his eyes. It didn't take long before they both drifted off to sleep, a smile spread across their faces. The future had suddenly turned brighter for the both of them.


	2. Big Trouble

A few weeks had passed since their little bedroom adventure. Kathryn was reading a PADD in her ready room, but had a hard time focusing on the matter. Her mind kept drifting. She jumped when her door chime rang.

"Come." she said. Chakotay entered the room, the brightest smile on his face and his hands behind his back.

"Hi there, beautiful!"

"Beautiful? You've never called me that before." she smiled back at him, her cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink.

"I never thought I could, since…" he tilted his head and raised an eyebrow.

"Right. Since you held my hair when I… you know." she squinted, being reminded of that awful moment of weakness.

"That was not really what I was referring to." he pulled up his nose.

"I know." she smiled, knowing what he meant. She did feel beautiful when they had made love that early morning.

He stopped in front of the desk and leaned over it, planting a kiss on her cheek. When he started pulling back, she grabbed his face and kissed him full on the lips.

"I have wanted to do this all morning."

"I can imagine." he laughed, showing off his cute dimples. "I've got something for you. Close your eyes." She did as told and Chakotay placed his present in front of her. "You can look now."

The most beautiful Peace Rose she had ever seen. She picked it up and breathed in the smell, closing her eyes as she did.

"Mmmm, I love these roses so much. Thank you."

"I know you do. This is not the first one I have given to you, remember." She smiled a half crooked smile and opened the drawer of her desk.

"Of course I remember." she said and she pulled out the one he had given her before. It was still well-preserved. He looked at her lovingly and leaned in for another kiss.

"Tuvok to the Captain." She rolled her eyes and they broke the kiss.

"Go ahead."

"We've detected an alien vessel sending out a distress call."

"On my way." She put away both roses safely in her drawer and walked to the bridge, Chakotay right behind her.

\--------------------

It had been a rough night for Kathryn. It had taken her hours before she finally fell asleep and now she was feeling a little light-headed and kind of queasy. After splashing cold water onto her face and drawing in some deep breaths, she felt a little better.

The doors of the turbo lift swooshed open and she stepped onto the bridge.

"Good morning. What's happening in space today?" she asked, not addressing anyone in particular.

"All is nice and quiet." Harry responded. "No anomalies, no alien vessels in scanning range. It's just us and the stars, Captain." She nodded at him. She turned to Tuvok and looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

"All systems are fully functional. All damage is repaired since the last attack. Nothing further to report."

"Good." She walked down the two steps to her chair and sat down. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard as a wave of nausea hit her. Her hands grabbed the arms of her chair to steady herself. Chakotay looked at her in concern and placed his hand on hers.

"Are you okay?" he asked. She opened her eyes and looked at him, shaking her head. Her hand covered her mouth while she stood up and rushed to her ready room. Chakotay stood up, but decided to give her a minute. The crew looked at him in question. He sighed and went in after her.

He took a seat at her desk, waiting for her to come out of the bathroom. He heared the water running and the toilet being flushed. Kathryn walked out of the bathroom looking awfully pale, wiping her mouth with a damp towel. She stopped and put her hand on her stomach, feeling something coming up again, but it was only a burp.

"Sorry." she said embarrassed. She walked past him, up the two stairs and sat down on the couch. She closed her eyes and let her head fall back, rubbing her face with both hands. Chakotay walked over and sat down next to her, pulling away her hands. He felt her forehead, but she was not feverish.

"Can I get you anything?"

"A glass of water would be nice." He fetched her a glass from the replicator. She took a few small sips, not wanting to upset her stomach again and handed him back the glass. "Thank you."

"Feel a little better?"

"Mmmhmmm." she nodded. "A little. I'm still a bit queasy, but I'll manage. This is the first time something has come from it."

"You've been feeling like this before?" he asks in concern.

"The last two days, yes. I thought it was something I ate, but I haven't even had breakfast yet."

"Maybe you should let the doctor examine you. It could be a bug going around. Although I haven't picked up on anyone else being ill."

"I'm fine. It'll pass." She loved the doctor, but she always tried to avoid an examination. Chakotay looked at her, one eyebrow raised. She rolled her eyes in defeat. "I'll go see him if I feel like this tomorrow. I promise." She held up her hands between them. She stood up and swayed a little, but Chakotay immediately grabbed her by the arms to steady her.

"Maybe I should eat something now."

"I agree." he said and tucked her arm into his as they walked out of the ready room.

\--------------------

Kathryn managed to walk into the mess hall without Chakotay supporting her. She felt really hungry, which surprised her after being sick just moments before.

She sat down at a table, waiting for Chakotay to bring something to eat. Neelix spotted her and rushed to the kitchen to get his new blend of coffee for her to taste.

Chakotay set down a plate with some peanut-butter toasts and curiously watched her as she picked one up, almost devouring it whole.

"Go easy, would you." She looked at him startled, her mouth full and peanut-butter on her lips. He reached over and wiped it away with his thumb.

"Captain, Commander, good morning. How nice for you to take some time to have breakfast." Neelix looked at the plate and furrowed his brows. "I could make you something more tasteful than that toast, if you would like."

"Thanks, but this will do." Chakotay answered before Kathryn did. She looked at him with puppy eyes, tasteful sounded so much better.

"Can I offer you a cup of coffee? It's a new blend I would like you to try and I know I'm at the right address with you, Captain." He was so overexcited, that he didn't even wait for her to answer that and poured the coffee anyway. She finished chewing and took the cup from him.

She put the cup to her lips, but as soon as she inhaled the aroma, her stomach turned. She pulled up her nose. "You sure this is coffee? It smells funny."

Neelix' smile immediately disappeared. "I… I…" he stuttered. Chakotay took the cup and smelled it.

"It's coffee alright and it smells fine. A little hint of chocolate, no?" he asked Neelix and then took a sip.

"That's right." he confirmed. "It thought I'd combine two of your favorites I one." He turned to the captain again. She arched one eyebrow and took the cup back out of Chakotay's hand. She smelled it again and had to swallow hard to keep the toast down.

"That's it! We're going to see the doctor." Chakotay ordered and stood up, taking the cup from her again. He handed it to Neelix and took her hand to pull her up with him. Neelix looked at them in question.

"If even coffee makes you sick, there is something wrong with you!" he heard Chakotay say to her as he watched them leave. He was left perplexed.

\--------------------

"Chakotay, I'm fine!" She tried to pull her hand free from his, but he squeezed it so tightly she had to give up the fight.

"No you're not! The coffee incident proves it. You are going to see the doctor, whether you like it or not." They entered sickbay, but the doctor was nowhere to be seen. "Computer, activate the EMH!"

"State the nature of… Captain, Commander, is everything alright?" He immediately walked over to them, concern on his face.

"No! I need you to examine the Captain; she's not feeling too well." Chakotay pulled at her hand and pushed her to the nearest bio-bed. She rolled her eyes as she jumped up on the bed.

"I'm fine. Chakotay's seeing ghosts because I got nauseous smelling Neelix' new blend of coffee." She waved her hand and shook her head.

"AND you were sick this morning!" he added.

"The Captain getting sick of smelling coffee, huh? Then there's definitely something wrong." The doctor opened his medical tricorder and started scanning her. "Hmmm." He walked around the bio-bed. "Mmhmm." He went again. Kathryn was getting really frustrated with all the 'hum's and glared at Chakotay, who didn't seem to be bothered by her angry look.

"Mhm." The doctor closed his tricorder and looked into Kathryn's eyes, smiling smugly.

"What." she asked, raising her voice a little to express her irritation. He looked over at Chakotay and then back at her.

"Maybe I should tell you this in private." he started.

"Just tell me, I don't mind him being here. He needs to know if something's wrong with me anyway." she pushed him to go on.

"There's nothing _wrong_ with you. You are actually very healthy."

"Then why was she sick this morning and just now?" Chakotay stepped in, moving closer to the bed and looking into the doctor's eyes. Kathryn placed her hand to his chest.

"Captain, I don't know if I should be happy or worried for you, but you are six weeks pregnant." The news hit her like a ton of bricks. Her eyes widened and she suddenly felt very light-headed. She grabbed hold of Chakotay's jacket and put a hand to her forehead. Chakotay's jaw dropped and was nailed to the ground.

"Oh my God." she whispered. "This can't be happening." She looked up at the doctor, but he just smiled. She turned to look at Chakotay, who suddenly looked very pale, even with his tanned complexion. She let go of his jacket and slid of the bed. She started pacing around the room, one hand covering her mouth, letting the news sink in.

"Are you sure?" Chakotay asked.

"I _can_ read a medical tricorder." the Doctor answers cynically.

"But, how?"

"Well, I don't think I have to draw a picture, now do I, Commander." He turned around and fiddles with a hypo spray.

Chakotay turned around and stopped Kathryn in her tracks, making her look at him. She didn't know what to say; she just covered her face with her hands and sighed. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on the top of her head.

"This is not happening." she whispered again. She pulled back and looked up at him, trying to find some answers in his eyes. The doctor walked over to her and injected something with the hypo spray.

"This should help with the morning sickness." He took another one and also injects its content. "And this is just a wide spectrum of vitamins, with folic acid, which is very important for embryonic development." he explained. He looked at Chakotay." I assume you are the father?" he asked.

"I guess." He looked at Kathryn again.

"I've only been with you, that one night, when I was sick. But I'm on birth control, I don't understand." She looked at the doctor.

"If you were sick, that explains a lot. It's not hundred percent protective anymore." She sighed again.

"I suggest you take the rest of the day of duty, let it sink in, talk to each other, but try to enjoy this. This is wonderful news, you know." He shoved them to the door. "Doctors orders!"

The doors closed behind them and they stood there for a moment, not knowing where to go next.

"How are we going to tell the crew?" Chakotay asked her.

"We're not going to tell them. Or at least not just yet. I have to think about this, how we're going to handle this. I don't see myself raising this child and being the Captain at the same time."

"You're not thinking of termination, are you?" He shook his head, not wanting to go there, but he needed to know.

"No… I don't know." she whispered, looking down at her stomach. She could feel her eyes getting moist and fought hard to hold back her tears. She placed a hand on her lower abdomen. Chakotay put his finger under her chin and made her look at him. A silent tear escaped from her eye. He pulled her into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around her.

"We'll get through this, Kathryn. Let's just take it one step at a time. We'll go to your quarters, you change into something more comfortable and we'll just sit and talk for awhile. How does that sound." He kissed her forehead and let his lips linger there. She just nodded, unable to form words. He let go of her, took her hand and they headed for the turbo lift.

'Sounds good to me' was all she could think of. As long as he was with her, it was all good! Even when she was in big trouble!


	3. Getting lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Tom, Harry and Chakotay leave for an away-mission.
> 
> Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek and its characters, but the story is all mine!

"What I would give to have one last cup of coffee." Kathryn sighed as she stood up and headed for the replicator.

"Don't you dare!" Chakotay warned and grabbed her by the waist. He pulled her down onto his lap and held her close.

"Hey, give me some credit, I wasn't going to get a coffee." she pouted.

"Besides, the one thing I love more than I love you, makes me puke. Ah, wait, you do too." she smiled and put her finger on his nose.

Chakotay stuck out his tongue and got a mischievous look on his face. Kathryn started kicking and screaming when he held her tight and tickled her.

"Noooo... aaah... stop...Cha... please." she tried, but he didn't stop.

Finally she managed to escape from his grip and had to sit down on the sofa to catch her breath again.

"Are you trying to kill me?" she asked, breathless.

Chakotay couldn't help but laugh. She glared at him, sighing deeply. He stood up and knelt before her.

"Why would I want to kill the mother of my child?" he said and rested his head on her stomach.

She placed a hand on his cheek and looked lovingly at the sight. The strong, angry warrior going all mushy.

"What have we gotten ourselves into this time?" she whispered. He glanced up at her but didn't say anything.

She smiled a half crooked smile.

"I guess you're going to have a lot of work with duty rosters in a few months."

Chakotay's face lit up and the brightest smile appeared on his face.

"Are you serious?" He had to make sure he heard her right.

"Oh Chakotay, as if I would... Termination is not a word you can find in the Kathryn Janeway vocabulary!"

He got up off his knees and pulled her into a hug.

"You can't even begin to imagine how happy I am right now!" He kissed her, deeply and passionately.

When he broke the kiss, they looked into each other's eyes and went quiet for a moment.

Suddenly he let go of her again and bent down on one knee, placing a hand on her lower abdomen.

"Little one, I don't know if you can hear me, but I hope you don't mind if I ask your mommy a very important question."

He looked up again and Kathryn looked back, confusion on her face. He took her hand in his and she could feel him tremble.

Then it hit her. Her free hand flew to her mouth and she felt her eyes grow moist.

"Kathryn, my sweet Kathryn..." He had to take a breath to regain control over his emotions.

The butterflies in her stomach were doing summersaults. "Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?"

She started crying, still shaking her head no and with her hand covering her mouth.

He waited for her to answer, but she just kept doing that. He gently squeezed her hand.

"Kathryn?"

"Oh God, Chakotay, I love you so much." she finally managed between sobs.

"Is that a yes or a no?" he joked.

"Of course I will marry you!" She bent down, took his face between her hands and kissed him.

And again, and again, and again... He had to hold her back, to catch his breath again.

He pressed his ear against her stomach again and held her tight.

"This is going to be good, kiddo!" He heard a noise from deep within her and looked up at her, surprised. "Is that the baby?"

Kathryn couldn't help herself and started laughing.

"No silly, I'm just hungry. I haven't had lunch today and it's already about seven I think." Chakotay stood up and ordered the time.

"It is 19.01."

"Time for dinner!" he said and directed her to the dining table to sit down. "What do you feel like having tonight?" he asked.

"As long as it's not Neelix's surprise casserole, anything's fine with me. I'm famished." she smiled.

"And thirsty! You didn't give me a chance earlier to get a drink." She started to get up again, but he held his hand up.

"I'll get you your drink. You just sit back and relax!" He turned to the replicator, but she couldn't hear what he ordered.

He came back with a champagne glass.

"Okay, I can't have one last coffee, but I CAN have champagne?" she asked and raised an eyebrow.

"Don't worry, it's non-alcoholic." he winked and offered her the glass. "Let's drink to us and to our future."

"To our future!"

\--------------------

Kathryn enjoyed the warmth of Chakotay's embrace as they lounged on her couch after dinner.

He softly caressed her up and down her arm, making it hard for her to keep her eyes open.

"Chakotay?"

"Mmm hmmm?"

"How are we going to tell the crew?" He was silent for a moment, not knowing how to answer her.

She turned her head to look at him.

"I have no idea." She looked back down at her stomach and placed her hand on it.

"Maybe we should wait. This could still go wrong."

"What makes you say that?"

"I'm not that young anymore. I believe this is an important factor. And with what this Quadrant has already thrown at us..."

"Let's not think about that now. Let's just enjoy the moment and take it one day at a time."

He kissed the top of her head and let his lips linger there. She closed her eyes and smiled. He always knew how to calm her senses.

Kathryn fought back a yawn, but Chakotay noticed.

"Come, I'll take you to bed." He stood up and lifted her up in his arms.

"Chakotay, what are you doing? I can still walk."

"I know." But he didn't put her down, before they reached the bed. He carefully laid her down and tucked her in. She couldn't help but smile.

"You're overdoing it!"

"I know."

"Is that all you can say?"

"No."

"No?"

"I can also say: I love you, my soon to be wife and mother of my child." He kissed her forehead. She grabbed his shirt and held him close.

"You do know where this mushy stuff leads to, right?" she said and pulled him down for a kiss.

She started pulling at his shirt, trying to get it off, but that meant they had to stop kissing, which they eventually did.

He quickly took it off and threw it to the side.

Meanwhile she had already kicked off the covers again.

He kicked off his boots, stripped the rest of his clothes and crawled in next to her.

His hand caressed her leg to the hem of her shirt, pushing it up to her breasts.

He started giving her feathery kisses on her abdomen, making her twitch.

"That tickles." she chuckled. He stopped kissing and drew a long wet line from her bellybutton to her shirt with his tongue.

He took the shirt between his teeth and tugged on it. She pushed up a little so she could take it off, revealing her breasts to him.

He immediately took her nipple into his mouth, making her gasp. He sucked and toyed with it until it was rock hard.

He let go with an unintentional pop and attacked her lips. The arousal took control of them.

They kissed, licked and groped until they both couldn't take it anymore.

Chakotay positioned himself and in one quick thrust, he was inside her hot, wet channel.

She wrapped both her arms and legs around him, as he found the perfect rhythm. He started slow, enjoying every second.

Kathryn's nails started digging in his back, so he knew she was getting close.

He changed angle and sped up a little. She put down her legs and pushed up her pelvis, taking in his entire length.

"Come for me, beautiful!" Chakotay whispered.

"Oh my..." was all she could manage, before she tumbled over the edge.

Her inner muscles tightened around his sensitive shaft and he couldn't take it anymore either.

He drew in a breath and emptied himself inside her.

He had to focus not to collapse on her and squashing both her and the baby, as little as it still was.

He slid out of her and lay down next to her, resting his head on her shoulder.

She kissed the top of his head and couldn't help but smile again.

"I've missed out all those years." she whispered, but the only response she got, was Chakotay's light snoring as he had already fallen asleep.

_'Oh well, I guess I'll have to get used to that too.'_ she thought and dozed off too.

\--------------------

Chakotay woke to the disgusting sound of Kathryn throwing up.

He pulled his pillow around his head in an attempt to muffle the sound.

When he heard the toilet being flushed, he turned onto his back and waited for her to come back to bed.

Kathryn looked at herself in the mirror and sighed.

She grabbed her toothbrush and cleaned her teeth and tongue to get the awful taste out of her mouth.

She splashed some water in her face, ran her fingers through her hair, but that was all she could manage for now.

"I'm sorry. Did I wake you?" she apologized when she saw him awake.

She crawled in bed and covered her face with her arm, the other hand on her stomach to try and calm it down.

"You should ask the Doctor for some anti-nausea medicine."

"Mmm hmmm." she groaned.

"Otherwise the crew would suspect something I guess." He reached over and caressed her cheek.

She looked at him from the corner of her eye and swallowed hard.

"If I move now, I'm going to throw up again." A small burp escaped and her eyes grew wide for a moment.

Chakotay's did too and he pulled up his nose, expecting the worst.

She took in some deep breaths and it passed. "I need that hypo spray, now!"

"Chakotay to the Doctor."

"Commander, what can I do for you?" he asked, sounding in a chipper mood.

"Not for me. The Captain is suffering from morning sickness."

"Really suffering." she quickly said before she was up and running for the toilet again.

"Hmm, sounds like an accurate diagnosis. I'll make a few dosages of the anti-nausea for her to keep in her quarters."

"Then she can inject them every morning before it has a chance to even surface."

"Thanks. I'll come pick it up in a few moments. Chakotay out."

"GET IT NOW!" Kathryn yelled from the bathroom and retched again.

Chakotay jumped out of bed, dressed in a hurry and went to sickbay.

At least that saved him from listening to the horrendous sound.

\--------------------

Captain Janeway entered the bridge feeling heaps better since Chakotay injected her with the hypo spray.

"Captain on the bridge." Harry announced and they all stood at attention immediately.

"At ease. Good morning. Anything to report?" she turned to Harry.

"Our sensors detected an L-class planet with high concentrations of dilithium."

"How far?"

"Approximately 4 light-years from our current position."

"Mr. Paris, set a course. Warp 6." she ordered and sat down in her chair.

"Aye Captain."

"Chakotay, assemble an away team. Let's get us some dilithium." she smiled at him. He nodded and smiled back.

"You seem to be feeling much better."

"Yep, that hypo spray did wonders, luckily."

"I'm glad for you." he said and reached over to touch her arm. "Tom, Harry, let's get the Flyer ready."

They all stood up and left the bridge.

"Tuvok, I'll be in my ready room. You have the bridge."

"Aye, Captain." She too stood up and left the bridge to go work on some PADD's.

\--------------------

"We'll leave for the planet at 0800 tomorrow morning." Chakotay filled everyone in.

"Good! Harry, when we are at close range, take scans to see what you can expect down there." she said.

"If everything looks good, you have the all clear and hopefully we'll have enough dilithium to get us a lot closer to home. Dismissed."

Captain Janeway closed the meeting.

Everyone left, but as usual, Chakotay stayed behind.

As soon as the doors closed, he offered Kathryn his hand and pulled her out of her chair onto his lap.

"Can I persuade you to having dinner with me tonight? Say, my quarters, 1900?" he asked and started kissing her cheek.

"Hmm, I don't know, I still have loads of..." She couldn't finish her sentence anymore when Chakotay kissed the sensitive spot behind her ear.

She closed her eyes and tilted her head to give him better access. She felt heat spiralling through her, right down to her core.

"You were saying?" he whispered.

"I forgot."

"So, are we on for dinner then?"

"Sure. If you promise to do this again."

"This, and much more." He softly kissed her lips. "But now, work!" he stated and pushed her off his lap.

She straightened her jacket and followed him out onto the bridge.

\--------------------

"I could get used to this, you know. Being spoiled by you."

"How do I spoil you?" Chakotay asked while he recycled the dishes.

"If it weren't for you, I would be eating peanut-butter toast right now. Or something from the mess hall."

He walked behind her and started massaging her shoulders.

"Hmm, and I'm not even trying very hard. You're very easy to please in private."

"What do you mean, in private?" She turned her head and glared at him, one eyebrow raised.

He had to hold back a laugh.

"As if you don't know, Captain." he emphasized by using her rank.

She jabbed him with her elbow, nearly hitting him in his manly hood.

"Owh, Kathryn..."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." she chuckled and turned around to rub the sore spot.

"A little more to the right." he directed. Kathryn did as told and felt his already growing member.

"Let's get to bed." She didn't have to say that twice.

\--------------------

Tom, Harry, Chakotay and Janeway walked down the corridor to the shuttle bay.

"So, when you have located the dilithium, contact us and we'll transport the rest of the team to help you." Janeway directed.

"Aye Captain." Harry and Tom said in unison and stepped into the Flyer.

She then turned to Chakotay and grabbed his hand.

"Be careful." she whispered. He just winked and stepped in too.

Before the shuttle door closed he looked at her and blew her a kiss.

She smiled and left the shuttle bay to go to the bridge.

"Delta Flyer, you are clear to go." They all watched the view screen and saw the Flyer heading for the planet.

"Sensors detect the highest concentration 2.3 km to our starboard bow." Tom altered course and sat back.

Suddenly the Flyer started shaking.

"Mr. Paris?" Chakotay asked.

"Just a little turbulence, nothing to worry about." he assured and got it back under control.

Just a second later, the Flyer shook again. But this time it wasn't turbulence.

A bright flash blinded the three men and everything went black from there.

\--------------------

"Captain, we've just lost the Flyer." Tuvok reported. Janeway turned in her chair and looked at him in shock.

"What do you mean, lost it?"

""It disappeared from sensors as they entered the planet's atmosphere."

"Try to hail them." she ordered the ensign in charge of the comm.

"They're not responding. I don't even know where to send the transmission to. They are gone."

Janeway turned to the view screen, unable to think of anything. All she could think of was Chakotay.


	4. The unthinkable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only two come back from the away mission
> 
> Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek and its characters. Story is all mine!

Tom Paris felt like his head was going to explode. He slowly opened his eyes, trying to remember what had happened.

He winced when he turned his head to look around. He saw Harry hanging over his console, but he couldn't see Chakotay anywhere.

He tried to stand up, but cried out in pain when he put weight on his leg.

He looked at his knee and saw a tear in his pants, blood seeping out of the open wound.

"Harry! Harry, wake up!" he yelled. He heard him groan and was glad he was still alive. "Harry!"

Harry sat up and held his hand to his head.

"What happened?" he asked.

"I think we crashed. We don't have power. Check the comm.; see if we can send out a distress call to Voyager."

He tried to stand again, pushing up on his other leg.

Harry looked at his console, but it was offline. From the corner of his eye, he suddenly noticed Chakotay.

He flew out of his chair and was by the Commander's side in a second.

"Commander?" he tried, but Chakotay didn't react. In the mean time, Tom had grabbed the medical kit.

He took out the tricorder and scanned Chakotay. A monotone beep sounded.

Tom and Harry looked at each other. They couldn't believe it. The Commander was dead.

"This can't be happening. There must be something we can do." Harry raised his voice.

"We need contact with Voyager! I don't have the resources to help him here."

Tom grabbed Harry by the shoulder and looked him straight in the eye, feeling the same way.

Helpless.

Harry shook his hand off and pulled at Chakotay's body until it was lying flat on the floor.

"Then we'll have to try it the old fashion way!" He started doing CPR.

Tom filled a hypo spray and injected Chakotay with 40cc of Inaprovaline.

"One, two, three, four, five!" Harry tilted back Chakotay's head and gave him mouth-to-mouth.

"One, two, three, four, five."

He repeated that six times, but Chakotay didn't react.

Harry was getting exhausted, but he couldn't stop.

"Harry." Tom whispered, but he kept going. "Harry!" he yelled. Harry looked at him in question.

"It's no use, Harry, he's gone. There's nothing we can do."

He gently placed his hand on Harry's forearm.

He leaned back and threw his head back, covering his mouth with his hands.

Tom reached out and closed Chakotay's mouth.

He had to swallow back the lump in his throat.

He couldn't believe his good friend was dead.

He looked back up at Harry and saw a tear go down his face.

They both felt like a part of them died with him.

\--------------------

Captain Janeway had assembled an away team to go after the Delta Flyer.

Tuvok, the Doctor and she were already in the planet's atmosphere, scanning for any sign of the Flyer or the life signs of her missing crew members.

"Anything yet?"

"No, Captain, I'm not picking anything up on sensors."

"I'll extend the scanning range to look 2 km below surface. They might be hiding in a cave of some sort."

"Good, we need to find them!" The Doctor looked at her in concern, knowing exactly why she had to find them.

She pinched the bridge of her nose and drew in a deep breath, trying to calm herself, but she felt sick to her stomach not knowing when or if they would find them.

The Doctor stood up and walked over to her.

"Captain, you need to calm yourself." he said, looking at her lower abdomen.

"I know, I'm fine. Let's just focus on finding the Flyer." He returned back to his console and continued scanning.

\--------------------

After they had treated Tom's injury and put Chakotay's body in the aft section of the Flyer, they were trying to get the comm. system working again.

"Computer, reroute all power to communications." Harry ordered after connecting the last two wires together.

The computer confirmed and the console started flickering.

"Yes!"

"Try to send out a distress call." Tom said.

"Delta Flyer to Voyager, come in." There was nothing but static.

"Try again."

"This is the Federation shuttle Delta Flyer, can anyone hear us?"

Suddenly sparks flew everywhere and the console went black again. Harry hit it with his fist.

"Damn!"

\--------------------

"Captain, I'm picking up a faint signal."

"Is it the Flyer?" Her heart skipped a beat. She jumped up and went to look at the sensors with Tuvok.

"Yes. They have crashed about 35 km from our starboard bow. I'm scanning for their lifesigns."

She didn't wait for the result of the following scan, but immediately set course for the coordinates.

"Captain, I'm only getting two life signs." She held her breath.

_'Oh my God.'_

\--------------------

"Harry! They found us!" Tom shouted as he saw the shuttle land in front of them. They went to open the shuttle doors.

Janeway's heart felt heavy as she approached the Flyer.

All three men were irreplaceable, but she was actually praying it would not be Chakotay who died.

She saw the doors open and Harry stepped out. She let out the breath she had been holding in.

"Ensign Kim." She closed her eyes in relief that he made it. When she opened them again, her fear was confirmed.

Tom walked out of the shuttle.

"Captain..." Tom started. She had to swallow hard to prevent her from throwing up. Tears stung her eyes.

"We've lost Commander Chakotay. There was nothing we could do." Hurt was in his eyes.

She had to hold it together and went into Captain Mode.

"Let's get the Flyer running again and head back to Voyager." she just said and turned to the Doctor.

Tuvok, Harry and Tom went working on the Flyer.

"Doctor, I would like you to go see Chakotay. Confirm his death for the logs. I'm going to contact Voyager." He nodded as she passed him.

"Captain, I... I'm sorry." He said, but she just kept going.

When she entered the shuttle, she couldn't hold it anymore. She fell down on her knees and started crying uncontrollably.

She held her hand to her lower abdomen.

A few minutes had passed when she finally got control over her emotions again.

She informed Voyager of the situation and went to help the men, needing to get back. Away from this place that took a part of her life.

\--------------------

Kathryn attached the last pip on her uniform dress. She looked pale, worn out by her emotions.

She injected the hypo spray for the nausea and left her quarters.

Today was Chakotay's funeral.

Voyager was, besides the familiar hum, very quiet.

The loss of their Commander had affected all crew members.

Kathryn walked down the corridor, avoiding everyone's stare by looking at her feet.

She stepped in the turbo lift and was glad she was alone.

Tears stung her eyes, but she had to keep strong.

When she entered the bridge, the entire Senior Staff was already present.

They all looked at her in compassion, knowing she was the one who had lost so much.

Chakotay's pod stood in the centre of the room. Kathryn stopped dead in her tracks, staring at it.

She wanted to turn and run, away from it all.

Tom approached her and gently touched her shoulder.

Her Captains mask on, she looked at him for a moment, took a deep breath and walked down the three steps.

Everyone gathered around and waited for her to say the first words.

"How do you find the words to say goodbye?" she paused.

"I've thought about it, but I realized there are no words. There are no goodbyes."

She looked at each of her crewmembers, searching for strength to go on.

"This warm, caring man... a friend to us all... an asset to this crew, this family, is still right here with us."

"He's in our memories, our thoughts," she places her hand on her chest, "and in our hearts."

"Commander Chakotay has given so much, never asking anything in return."

"He was my right hand, the one who stood by me. Questioning my decisions or backing me up on them."

"I'm pretty sure he had some sleepless nights because of me and my stubbornness."

A quiet laughter filled the room for a moment.

"Chakotay was all that, but most of all, he was my friend, my..." The words got stuck.

"He will never be forgotten." Tom came to the rescue again.

Janeway nodded, grateful for that. She drew in a breath and lifted her head high.

"We commend the spirit and the bravery of Commander Chakotay, as we commit his body to space. He will indeed not be forgotten."

Tuvok took a step forward. "All hands, attention." Everyone turned to the view screen and stood at attention.

An ensign blew the whistle; the pod was transported and released into space.

\--------------------

Voyager gradually got back into rhythm, but grief was an unmistakable constant among the crewmembers.

Tom, Harry and B'Elanna had gathered around a table in the mess hall.

"Although it has not really sunk in yet, it's hard to think we have to move on." Tom said.

"It's only been a day." B'Elanna soothed, placing her hand on his arm for comfort.

"Everything is so different now. We have lost a true and close friend." Harry added.

They still had trouble getting their heads around it.

"Has anyone seen the Captain today? She left rather quickly yesterday." Tom asked. Harry shook his head.

"I think she needs some space. They were closer than anyone of us." B'Elanna pointed out.

"That's true, but in times like this, family is important. And we're as close to a family as it gets."

"I'll check up on her later." B'Elanna offered, needing the comfort of a friend too.


	5. The secret is out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title says it all!
> 
> Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek and its characters. Story is all mine!

B'Elanna walked down the corridor to Janeway's quarters.

The Captain had been there all day, or so they assumed, because she didn't report for duty.

It was so unlike her to forsake her duties and the Senior Staff were a little worried.

B'Elanna rang the door chime, but there was no answer.

"Captain?" Still no answer.

She figured Janeway needed a little more time to process it all and left her at peace.

She passed Chakotay's door and stared at it for a while.

She missed him so much. They had become good friends during their time on the Val Jean as Maquis.

She had deep respect for the man and still couldn't believe he had died such an insignificant death.

She didn't know why, but she entered his quarters, feeling the need to sense him in a way.

It was dark, but his living area was still like she remembered it.

She grazed the couch with the tips of her fingers, smiling as she thought about the print.

The smile faded as fast as it came and she had to fight the tears that welled up in her eyes.

Suddenly she heard something.

"Who's there?" she yelled. She listened again, trying to figure out where the noise had come from, but it was silent.

It was too dark too see anything clearly, but ordering the lights on would startle anyone or anything that was there.

There it was again. She turned her head towards the sound. It came from the far wall, behind his desk.

She stealthily walked towards it.

There, in the faint light that came through the window, she saw the figure of her Captain, curled up into a corner.

She had wrapped her arms tightly around her knees, her head resting on them and she was crying.

B'Elanna carefully approached her, unsure of what to do.

She knelt down in front of the Captain and placed her hand on her shoulder. She was trembling.

"Captain?" B'Elanna whispered. Kathryn slowly lifted her head and looked at her lieutenant.

B'Elanna was taken aback by the state her Captain was in.

She looked pale and her eyes were blood-shot.

She was still wearing her uniform dress, which indicated she had been here since the funeral the day before.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Bring him back?" she said, barely a whisper.

"I wish I could." She sat down next to Kathryn and grabbed her hand. Together they sat in silence.

\--------------------

Kathryn's trembling had subsided and she had stopped crying.

She just sat there, staring into nothingness.

B'Elanna watched her, trying to figure out why she was in this state.

They had lost other crew members and although they were an inseparable team, Chakotay's death seemed to have a bigger impact on her than B'Elanna would have thought.

"Captain?" she tried. "Kathryn?" She wasn't sure if using her given name was appropriate, but she did respond to it.

"I thought that if I didn't believe it, it wouldn't be true. That it was all a dream and I just had to wake up. But when I woke up this morning..."

The words got caught.

"I know the feeling." Kathryn turned her head and looked B'Elanna in the eyes.

"I've heard a lot of 'life goes on' and 'we should be grateful for the time we have spent with Chakotay', but no matter what anyone says, this shouldn't have happened. This sucks!"

B'Elanna said angrily. Kathryn was quiet again, staring absently.

"B'Elanna..."

"Mmm hmm..."

"I'm pregnant." B'Elanna did a double take, and then it hit her why the Captain was so affected by his death.

She didn't know what to say. She saw Kathryn looking down at her lower abdomen, her hand touching it.

"How long?"

"A little over six weeks. We just found out, two days before the away-mission."

"I don't know what to say. I'm happy, but sad for you at the same time. We had an idea that your relationship wasn't purely professional, but..."

"You had an idea?"

"Captain, to be honest, we were wondering when you were finally going to let your barriers down and let the poor man into your heart."

Now Kathryn did a double take. She smiled a faint smile.

"He has been in my heart for a long time... but we couldn't, I couldn't..."

"Why not?"

"Starfleet protocol. Not getting involved with a member of the crew."

"Captain, we're in the DQ..." B'Elanna pointed out, just as Chakotay had done.

"I know, therefore my condition." B'Elanna chuckled. "Oh, B'Elanna, what am I going to do? How am I going to do this, alone?" Kathryn started crying again.

"Captain, there is one thing you should know and that is that you're NOT alone. We are a family." she comforted, pulling her into a hug.

Kathryn just kept crying.

"Not having him with me, not waking up in his arms... I can't picture a life, my life without him. It's just... not okay. I need him."

B'Elanna didn't know what to do. She wasn't used to seeing Kathryn like this.

She was inconsolable.

B'Elanna just held on to her.

\--------------------

"How is she?" Tom asked.

"Not good. Not good at all." He looked puzzled.

"I just got her to bed." She paused for a moment, but he could see she wanted to tell him something.

"Tom, there is something you need to know."

"What is it?"

"She's pregnant." Tom's mouth dropped open. "And it's Chakotay's."

"You're kidding me?"

"I wish I was." B'Elanna looked down at her feet.

"What now?"

"You need to keep this quiet. For now at least. We have to give her time to deal with all of this."

"She's not going to keep it a secret for long. She's very slim, it'll show soon."

"She's still in her first trimester, it could still go wrong. Tom, just promise me you'll keep this to yourself. For her." She looked him straight in the eye.

"I promise!"

\--------------------

"How is she?" Harry asked.

"Don't make me go there." Harry was confused. "B'Elanna is going to kill me..." he rolled his eyes.

"If that were true, you would've been dead a dozen times before." Harry laughed, but Tom looked very serious.

He glanced around and leaned in closer.

"She's pregnant, with Chakotay's child." Harry's eyes widened. "Yeah, I know."

"You're kidding me?"

"You know, you sound just like me."

"But... how..."

"I don't need to draw you a picture, do I? I guess they finally gave in to their feelings."

"No wonder she's so upset."

"Upset is an understatement from what B'Elanna told me. Harry, promise me you won't tell a soul."

"I promise."

\--------------------

"Captain on the bridge."

"I'll be in my ready room." she said, avoiding looking anyone in the eye. Tom turned to look at Harry, who just shook his head.

Tuvok watched her and decided to confront her. "Mr. Paris, you have the bridge."

"Aye sir."

He rang the door chime and waited for her to invite him in.

"Captain, my apologies for the intrusion, but there is a rather serious matter I would like to discuss with you."

"Go ahead." She looked up from the PADD she had in front of her.

"I know about your condition." Her eyes went wide.

"Tuvok, I..."

"I think it suffices to say, that you have my fullest support on the matter. "

"Thank you." she whispered. He nodded and turned to leave.

"I don't like to admit it, Tuvok, but I am scared." He stopped and looked at her again.

"Fear is the most primitive, the most primordial of biological responses." He watched her closely.

He knew her so well; he sensed she wasn't coping with the situation.

"You're worried you won't have the strength to accomplish this on your own." She nodded and covered her eyes.

"Captain, there's no easy way to recover from the loss of a loved one."

"It is illogical to dwell on situations beyond your control. I cannot tell you how to deal with your emotions, but know that I will be at your side at all times."

"I have to tell the crew."

"I concur."

"I have to get them all together..."

"You should not concern yourself with that now. I suggest you take time to process this all. You cannot ask more of yourself than that right now."

She tried to smile, but she failed.

"I miss him, Tuvok." she sobbed.

"As do I." He left her to herself.

\--------------------

The crew had taken the news fairly well.

Of course she knew there would be some of them who didn't approve of her situation, but she couldn't go back on her decision.

This child was the only thing she had left of Chakotay.

Although there were going to be hard times ahead, she would get through this. She had to.

Janeway entered sickbay for her prenatal check-up.

"Captain, how are you feeling?" The Doctor asked. She sat on the bio bed and sighed.

"Fine."

"Just fine... how's the nausea?"

"Almost gone."

"And the dizziness?"

"Better." He looked at her in concern. He motioned for her to lie down and scanned her with the medical tricorder.

"The fetus is growing nicely. You're well past the 14 weeks, which means you're out of the danger zone. If all goes well, you'll be having this baby in 6 months."

He closed the tricorder and picked up a hypo spray.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Vitamins and folic acid. You still need them, sorry to say, considering your age." He pressed it to her neck and she winced.

"Can I go now?" She sat back up, but the Doctor didn't move out of her way.

"Captain, I'm concerned about you."

"There's no need."

"I've noticed some weight loss, while you should be gaining. Are you eating properly?" She closed her eyes and sighed again.

"I've been very busy. Sometimes I don't have time to sit down and have a proper meal."

"I suggest you make time, for the good of the baby. You need to keep up your strength." he kept going.

She didn't need this. She wanted to get out of there and return to her quarters.

"Thank you Doctor." she said as she pushed him out of her way.

"I'll need to see you in two weeks for your next check-up." he shouted after her as she left sickbay.


	6. Going off course

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janeway goes off the rails.
> 
> Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek and its characters. Story is all mine!

Kathryn tossed her uniform jacket over a chair, kicked off her shoes and crawled into bed.

His bed... She grabbed the t-shirt he had left at the foot end of the bed and snuggled warmly under his covers.

She needed to be surrounded by 'him'.

She pressed her nose in the fabric, breathing in his scent.

As she held her breath, she felt a light flutter in her stomach. Tears immediately welled up in her eyes.

Again, she cried herself to sleep...

_She felt fingers caressing her cheek and she couldn't help but smile. Although the touch was new to her, she knew who's it was._

_"Hi beautiful." She slowly opened her eyes and saw him lying beside her._

_"Hi." He cupped her cheek and let his thumb slide over her soft lips. He quickly replaced t with his own lips and kissed her softly._

_"Hmmm, I've missed that." she whispered. "Do it again." He did as told and she pressed herself into the warmth of his body._

_He broke the kiss and she looked into his big brown eyes. He smiled lovingly at her, showing off his adorable dimples. He swiftly kissed the top of her head._

_"I need to go."_

_"Please don't." She grabbed his shirt, trying to keep him close, but he seemed to be slowly fading._

_She reached for him, but she couldn't feel him anymore. Then, he was gone._

"Chakotay!" she screamed. She was startled by her own sound and was immediately awake. It had all been a dream.

\--------------------

Kathryn sat at her desk, completely lost in thought, when suddenly the red alert klaxons threw her back into reality.

Voyager shook and she had to hold on to the desk to avoid from falling.

"Captain, we need you on the bridge." Harry shouted through the comm.

"On my way." She quickly got up, but she hadn't even taken one step as Voyager shook again.

She slammed into the desk with her right side and immediately felt a sharp pain ripping through her abdomen.

She closed her eyes and breathed the pain away before resuming her way to the bridge.

"Report." she shouted.

"An alien vessel has opened fire." Tuvok informed her.

"Hail them." she ordered Harry.

"There not responding."

"Open a channel." Harry nodded.

"This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the federation starship Voyager. Cease fire immediately or I will be forced to take actions."

They waited a moment, but they fired again.

"Tuvok, they don't respond to hails, maybe we should send them a clearer message. Target their weapon system and disable them."

"Aye Captain." He fired, but didn't get through their shields. "Their shields are holding."

"Photon torpedos, full spread!"

"Direct hit, their weapon system is offline."

"Captain, they're hailing us." Harry said.

"Oh, now they'll listen. On screen."

"Turn you ship around and leave our territory immediately!" The alien growled.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realise we were trespassing. We mean no disrespect; we're just passing through on our way home."

"Leave, or we WILL destroy your ship!" Janeway rolled her eyes and sighed.

"I do NOT respond well to threats!" she said calmly and gave him her infamous glare.

The alien closed the link and the vessel disappeared from the screen.

"They're gone Captain, but I don't think this was the last we have seen from them." Harry said, while he was still scanning space for the same signature.

"There are four of their ships only 2 light-years away from us."

"We'll be ready for them. Tuvok, enhance the shields."

"Harry, keep an eye on those ships. I want to know when they make a move."

"Tom, lay out a course to get through their space as quickly as possible!"

"Aye Captain." The three men said in unison.

The sharp pain from before ripped through her abdomen again and she had to sit down on her chair.

"Captain, are you all right?" Harry asked as he saw her bent over with one hand rubbing her side.

She waved her hand in the air. Tom turned around and got up to check on her.

"I've hit the desk in my ready room before." she explained.

He gently pressed his fingers in her side and she winced.

He mimicked her response and pulled his hand away.

"May I see?" She pulled up her jacket and shirt and showed him where she got hit.

It had already become blue and Tom didn't like the look of it, certainly not in that place.

"I suggest you go to sickbay, Captain. Let the Doctor check you and the baby."

She nodded and stood up, but swayed with the sudden movement. She grabbed Tom's shoulder to steady herself.

"Captain..." he said, panic in his voice.

She followed his eyes to where he was looking and she saw the deep red bloodstain on the seat of her chair.

\--------------------

"Doctor, can you please tell me what is going on, why am I bleeding?" Kathryn asked. She was so scared something was wrong with the baby.

"You suffer from Placenta Abruptio. That means that, due to the blow, your placenta has partially separated from the uterine wall."

"The baby?"

"The baby is fine, but you need to take it easy from now on. That means bed rest." She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose.

She was relieved that the baby was safe.

"I need to get to the bridge. We have a situation..."

"You're not going anywhere, at least not for a few hours. I'm sure Commander Tuvok can handle that situation perfectly alone, with your advice." he interrupted.

She tried to sit up, but he held her by her shoulder and pushed her back down. "Captain! Don't make me relieve you of active command!"

Kathryn gave in, knowing he was right. She had to listen, for the baby's sake.

"I'm going to run some more tests now. Just lay back and relax."

He managed to stop the bleeding and gave her a mild sedative for the pain.

She and the baby were all right, but in his best medical opinion, he decided to relieve her from duty anyway.

She needed to take it easy for the rest of the pregnancy. Lots of bed rest and regular check-ups.

"Captain, please, take my advice seriously or I will be forced to confine you to your quarters. We're going to get this baby to term, but that can only happen if you do as told."

"I understand." she simply said.

"One more thing." She looked at him and raised her eyebrow.

"You really have to start eating regularly. The only weight you have gained so far is the weight of the baby. This means you still weigh 4 kilo's under your normal weight."

"I'll try."

"Captain, I know losing Commander Chakotay has affected you immensely, but you have to take care of yourself and the baby. If not for me, do it for him."

He looked at her in compassion.

Her face remained emotionless.

"Is that all? I'll retire to my quarters now." she simply said as she got of the bio-bed.

When she passed him, he placed a hand on her shoulder to stop her and look her in the eye. He just nodded and let go of her.

\--------------------

Instead of going to her quarters, she ignored the Doctors advice and went straight to the Bridge.

"Tuvok, my ready room, now." she breezed past him. He raised his eyebrow, but followed immediately.

"Do we know anything more about who attacked us and whose territory this is?"

"I'm afraid not. However, scans show that the weapons signature resembles the one we found on the Delta Flyer."

"It is safe to assume that whoever attacked us is responsible for the crash which resulted in the tragic death of Commander Chakotay."

Tuvoks words hit her like a ton of bricks. She couldn't believe what he was saying.

As soon as the words had sunk in, the only thing she could feel was rage. She slowly stood up and clenched her fists.

"We're going to war!" she hissed and barged out of the ready room.

Something had shifted inside of her. The only thing she could think of was revenge.

"All hands, this is the Captain. Ready your stations, seal all emergency bulkheads and prepare to engage the enemy!" she ordered.

Everyone on the bridge looked at her in shock. She ignored them all. Nobody was going to change her mind.

"Captain, I advise you to reconsider." Tuvok said as he walked up to her. She glared at him and held up her hand.

"Go to your station and obey my order." Her eyes were as black as the night, her voice low.

"Captain, the safety of this crew is paramount, and I must do whatever I can to ensure that safety. Therefore I cannot obey that order."

"It is against our Prime Directive to start a war with the sole purpose of 'taking revenge'." Kathryn's blood boiled, she wasn't thinking straight.

She knew deep in her heart she was wrong, that this wouldn't bring him back, but her mind was set on payback.

"They will pay." she said, barely a whisper. Tuvok realised she wasn't receptive to logic, so he made a decision.

"As commanding officer, I have the authority to relieve you from your command."

"You're not going to do that." she growled.

"In my opinion, your judgement has been impaired. I can and I will relieve you if you do not revise your decision on the current course of action." he stated.

"Try it and I'll throw you in the brig."

"Captain."

"You've got to grab your phaser, because before I give up command, you'll have to shoot me!"

Everyone stood perplexed with the power display that was going on between the Captain and Tuvok.

They couldn't believe what she was saying.

"That threat in itself is evidence of your unstable condition. You leave me no choice."

He stood at attention and looked her straight in the eye.

"Captain Kathryn Janeway, under Starfleet General Order 104, section B, I do hereby relieve you of your active command, effective immediately."

"You'll be escorted to your quarters and will be confined there until further notice."


	7. Into the darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers: none (maybe a little Resolutions – massage)
> 
> Summary: Kathryn 's depression gets the best of her.
> 
> Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek and its characters. Story is all mine!

It took two men to escort a furious Janeway to her quarters.

When they locked the door behind her, they heard thumping on the inside of the door.

They were glad they were outside.

The PADD on her desk was the last thing to be flung across the room.

It shattered against the door. After that, she just stood there, feeling empty, numb.

There was nothing she could do, so she undressed herself and walked to her bathroom.

She was in desperate need of a long, hot soak. While she waited for her tub to fill, her mind drifted off.

_"Building? What could you be building? And why can't you tell me?"_

_"You can't stand it, can you? You're like a little kid wheedling!"_

She remembered how excited she was when he led her outside, his hands covering her eyes.

She didn't know what to expect. The bathtub he had made for her was the best surprise she had had in a long time.

She stood up, turned off the water and took off her underwear.

Then her reflection caught her attention. She turned to her side and followed the curve of her belly with her hands.

_"You look beautiful." He wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his hands on hers._

She closed her eyes for a second. When she opened them again, he was gone.

She shook her head and stepped into the bathtub. She felt her muscles relax with the warmth of the water. Again, her eyes fluttered close.

_"Want me to wash your back?"_

Her eyes snapped open, but he wasn't there. She sighed deeply and drew in a deep breath.

She slid down, her head under water. There was no sound, nothing to disturb her for a moment. In desperate need of air, she resurfaced.

_"Kathryn..."_

"Stop it!" she screamed.

_"Kathryn, what's wrong?"_

"Why are you doing this to me? It's hard enough as it is." She covered her ears, trying to block it out.

_"I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to."_

This was killing her.

She got out of the bath, put on her robe and marched into the living area.

She picked up her uniform jacket and took her comm. badge.

"Janeway to the Doctor."

"Captain, is something wrong?"

"I'm losing my mind."

"I'm on my way.

\--------------------

"I hope you can get through to her."

"I hope so too." B'Elanna said and rang Captain Janeway's door chime.

As suspected, they didn't get an answer.

She was still relieved of duty, but she hadn't been confined to her quarters anymore.

It had been weeks since anyone had seen her, even the Doctor. It was him that alarmed the others, so they came up with the plan to send in B'Elanna.

Tuvok entered the override code and let B'Elanna in. She nodded and waited for the doors to close behind her before she approached her Captain.

She was sitting in her recliner in the dark. B'Elanna knelt down before her and placed her hand on Kathryn's. She didn't move.

"Kathryn?" She didn't even look at her. B'Elanna saw a tear run down her cheek and her heart broke, seeing her strong, independent Captain like that.

"Soon I know I'll wake from this dream." she said to no one in particular. Something startled her, because the look in her eyes changed.

She looked down at the woman before her and smiled a half crooked smile. She took B'Elanna's hand and placed it on her belly.

"He's here." she whispered but B'Elanna didn't feel the baby move.

"Captain, you need to see the Doctor."

"Why?"

"Because you have to, for the baby."

"The baby is fine, can't you feel that?"

"For yourself then."

"No!"

"Captain..."

"Leave!" she ordered. "Leave me alone." She pushed B'Elanna away and ran to her bedroom, closing the door behind her.

"Torres to the Doctor."

"Yes."

"She will have to be examined by force."

\--------------------

The Doctor appeared in Janeway's bedroom by a site to site transport. She lay curled up on the bed.

"I'm going to do some scans." He just said and opened his medical tricorder. She didn't move.

He was glad to see that everything was fine. The baby was in good health, but that couldn't be said of the Captain.

She still hadn't gained any weight.

"I'm going to inject you with the vitamins now." He pressed the hypo spray to her jugular and released its contents.

He stood up and left her for a moment, only to return with a sandwich and some juice.

"Captain, I need you to eat this." She covered her face with her hands and shook her head.

He set the plate on her nightstand and forced her to sit up. He took her by the shoulders and made her look at him.

"Captain, you're going to eat this!"

"You can't make me."

"The hell I can. It's this or I'll be forced to take you to sickbay." She looked at him in shock.

"Fine." She reached for the sandwich and took a bite. He waited for her to finish it and handed her the glass of juice.

She finished that too and lay back down.

"Thank you." The Doctor said and left her.

_"Kathryn, why are you doing this to yourself? I need you to be strong!" His hand cupped her cheek._

"And I need you!"

_"You have 'the family' to take care of you."_

"Then if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave." _She pulled back to escape from his touch._

_"I can't do that until I'm sure you are alright."_

"How can it be alright? They cannot replace you!"

_"Kathryn..."_

"Your face haunts me in my dreams. Your voice chases away the sanity in me. I'm bound by this life you've left behind. This life growing inside of me."

Her hands covered her belly. "I _need_ you here with me; I can't do this by myself." _She took his hand and pressed it onto her lower abdomen._

The baby kicked and she closed her eyes.

The only thing she thought she felt, was his lips kissing her forehead, before she drifted off to sleep.

\--------------------

Janeway stood in front of the mirror and stared at her reflection. She couldn't believe she was looking at herself.

The pale face and the blood shot eyes were something she hadn't seen in ages. Not since the time her father died.

It had been enough! She needed to get control again. She decided to finally get out of her quarters.

She took a quick shower, dressed herself, did her hair and make-up and left for the bridge.

"Captain on the bridge." Harry announced as he always did. Tuvok turned around in her chair and looked at her.

"Not the Captain, Harry, just Kathryn today." She held up her hands and gave him a small smile.

Tuvok stood up when Janeway approached him. He started to say something, but she stopped him.

"I'm fine, Tuvok. It was time to step back into the light."

"Is it safe to assume that you are fit for duty again?" he asked.

"I think my ship is in good hands. I have other priorities at the moment." she gestured at her belly.

"Acknowledged."

"But I don't mind working in the background for now. Status?"

"Very well." he said and sat down again. She looked at _Chakotay's_ chair, took a deep breath and sat down.

Tuvok got her up-to-date in no time. Reports were being brought to her from every station. Voyager was in good shape.

She decided to pay Neelix a visit. She needed to know how the crew's moral was since her 'disappearance'.

"Captain, you don't know how happy I am that you're up and about again."

"Don't mind me saying, but I've missed you." he winked and couldn't stop himself from giving her a hug.

"Neelix, you're crushing the baby." she said, barely able to breathe.

"Oh, sorry." he said and immediately let go. She drew in a deep breath and straightened her jacket.

"Come, sit down! Can I get you anything? Coffee, today's special, a piece of Pecan Pie..."

"Neelix!" she stopped him.

"Sorry... again... It's just..."

"I know, you're happy to see me." she laughed. She realised it had been a long time since she had done that.

Leave it to Neelix to always know what to do at the right time.

"Well, I can't have coffee anymore, I already had a sandwich, but the Doctor is hassling me about my weight, so... I would love a piece of that Pecan Pie."

"Coming right up." he said and skipped off to his kitchen. She couldn't help but smile again.

She saw B'Elanna enter the mess hall and called out to her.

"It's good to see you're smiling again." B'Elanna said and sat down next to Janeway on the couch.

"It feels good too, but I still feel I've got a long way to go." she sighed.

"As long as you know we're here for you. Whenever you need us."

"I know. And thank you for the other night. I really appreciate it." She placed her hand on B'Elanna's knee.

B'Elanna smiled and covered Kathryn's hand with hers.

"There you go." Neelix handed them both a plate with a slice of pie. B'Elanna hesitated for a moment. "Enjoy."

"Thank you." They said in unison. Kathryn took a bite and closed her eyes in delight.

"Mmm, this is so good."

B'Elanna tried it too and had to admit that the pie was delicious.

"Better than Leola root whatever." she joked.

"You don't say!" Kathryn chuckled and enjoyed the rest of the pie.

\--------------------

Kathryn spent her days taking it easy.

She started with breakfast in the mess hall, a trip to the bridge and her ready room to read the reports.

She then, or went to Astrometrics, or paid a visit to Engineering.

And every Wednesday, she went to sickbay for her check-up, like a good girl.

"Well, Captain, I'm very pleased. You don't only look healthy, you are healthy."

"The baby is growing nicely, has a good weight and has completely turned. It's just a matter of sitting it out now."

Kathryn pushed herself up on her elbows and looked at her huge belly.

"One month to go. A long, whole month." She sighed and rolled her eyes. "I feel like I'm going to explode."

The Doctor helped her off the table. She stretched her back and winced.

"My back is killing me. This is worse than a headache, which is bothering me too."

The doctor took a hypo spray and injected her with the contents.

"That's for the headache. For your back..." he started and guided her to the other side of sickbay, "I have this wonderful piece of equipment."

He gestured towards an odd looking chair. She arched her eyebrow and turned her head to look at him.

"Trust me." he said and made her sit down. He took her arms and placed them on the armrests on the back of the chair.

He gently began massaging her back muscles.

"Since you can't lie down on a table, I had this replicated just for you."

He worked on her sore lower back and made his way up to her shoulders.

"This feels nice." she whispered. She arched her back, pressing herself into his strong hands.

He took her hair, which had already grown past her shoulders again, and threw it over her shoulder to work the knots in her neck.

She froze.

"Captain, you have to relax those muscles."

She pushed herself up from the chair. He looked at her confused.

"I have to go." she said, barely a whisper and hurried out of sickbay.

\--------------------

The minute she stepped through the doors to her quarters, she completely broke down again.

She had to hold on to the chair to prevent herself from falling to the floor.

_Then she felt two strong arms wrapping themselves around her waist._

_"It's okay, beautiful, I'm here. Just let it out." He pulled her onto his lap and held on to her._

"No!" she yelled and jumped up. "You're not here!"

_"Kathryn..."_

"I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be."

_"Do you want me to?"_

"Yes! No! I don't know." She went to her bedroom and curled up on the bed.

For the first time in a long time, she cried herself to sleep again.

\--------------------

"Kathy..." She stirred and turned on her back. "Kathy!" Her eyes flew open, but she wasn't at all ready for what she saw.

"You've got to be kidding me." She rolled her eyes and turned her back to the person who had just waked her up.

"I'm here with an offer you can't refuse."

"Go away, Q!"


	8. Q is good for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Q and his offer...
> 
> Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek and its characters. Story is all mine!
> 
> Authors note: The title is actually a slogan used here in Belgium for a Radio Station called Q-Music.

When Kathryn opened her eyes again, he was still sitting there looking at her.

She sighed deeply and pushed herself to a sitting position against the headboard.

He sat there, saying nothing, which she found very disturbing. There was something different about him.

"Cat got your tongue." she shot at him.

"My sweet Kathy..." he said in a melodramatic way. It made her stomach turn.

She really wasn't in the right headspace to deal with anyone, let alone Q.

"Had too much to eat last night? You look poofy." Snap, there was Q!

He stood up and jumped on the bed right next to her on his side, propped up on his elbow.

She gave him a glare which could have turned the devil himself into an ice sculpture.

"Give me a warning if you're going to throw up on me. I just got my uniform back from the drycleaner."

"I can't deal with you right now, Q."

Tears welled up in her eyes and she covered her face to hide it, but he had already seen the hurt wash over her.

"Kathy, what's the matter. Tell little old me who I have to go after for making you cry."

"I miss him."

"Who? You're not telling me there's anyone else but me in your life, isn't there."

"Chakotay's dead!"

"Oh him, I should have known." He rolled his eyes. "The bump's his too, isn't it?" She just nodded.

"I told you that you should have chosen me to be the father of your child, but oh no... You had to pick Chuckles."

She was tired of listening to him rambling on about anything but himself and had to get away from him, but that was not an easy task.

Before she knew it, she was sitting on her couch, wrapped in her blanket with a cup of warm milk in her hand.

Of course, he was sitting opposite of her.

"Better?"

"No! You're still here."

"So hostile, Kathy. And to know I was here to help you."

"Help me? How."

"Taking my responsibilities." He lifted his head high and smiled wickedly.

"I'm going to take care of you and your little bundle of trouble. Mornings and nappies are your department and the crying gives me headaches, so..."

"I don't need you to take care of us. I need Chakotay."

"What does he have that I don't have?"

"Everything." She managed to get out of the chair and to her desk to tap her comm. badge.

"Janeway to Security. Intruder alert."

"On our way." Tuvok replied.

"Guess I've outdone my welcome. But I'll be back!" he said in his best impression of Robocop.

As soon as he had snapped his fingers and had disappeared, the Security team barged into her quarters.

"It's all right Tuvok, he's gone."

Tuvok nodded to his team and they left. He turned to his Captain and led her back to her couch.

"It was Q." He raised his eyebrow in question.

"What were his intentions if I may ask?"

"You don't want to know, but he'll be back. Unfortunately."

"Is there something I can do for you, you seem distressed." She looked up at him, surprised by his concern.

"You know me too well, my friend, but I'm afraid I have to get through this one myself."

A silent tear ran down her cheek. Again he surprised her by placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"You know where to find me." He turned and left her quarters.

\--------------------

Kathryn was trying to read a book when her door chime rang.

"Come in." she said, although she didn't feel like having company.

B'Elanna, Seven, Samantha and Naomi Wildman, the Delaney sisters, Tal Celes and Neelix came in, all carrying presents and trays of food.

"What's all this?" Kathryn asked surprised.

"This is a baby shower." B'Elanna smiled broadly. "Not my idea, but I thought it would cheer you up."

"I wonder who's idea it was." she gestured towards Neelix.

"Actually, it was Naomi's idea."

"What was my idea?" Naomi asked when she heard her name.

"Organising this baby shower." Kathryn smiled at the little girl and pulled her onto her lap.

"Yes it was. As Captain's assistant it is my duty to make sure she's happy and I thought lots of presents and goodies would do the trick." she explained, waving her finger in the air.

"It sure does, Naomi, thank you." She kissed the top of the girls head and hugged her.

"Hey, what's poking me?" Naomi pouted and looked around. No one was there. Kathryn laughed out loud and Naomi looked at her confused.

"It's the baby, it's kicking." The girl's mouth dropped open and sparkles lit up in her eyes.

"Can I feel?" she asked excited.

"Sure, give me your hand." Kathryn took her hand and placed it where she had felt the baby kick.

"I don't feel anything." Naomi pouted again.

"Wait." Kathryn gently nudged the side of her belly to get a reaction from the baby. Then it moved again.

"Oh wow, that's cool. MOM!" she yelled and Samantha came over to see what was going on.

"I can feel the baby, that's so cool." They both laughed at Naomi's excitement.

"Come on, let's give the Captain some space so she can open her presents."

Samantha picked Naomi off Kathryn's lap and gave her the first present.

After all the presents had been unwrapped and the finger food was eaten, they all left one by one to let their Captain rest again.

Although she had had a wonderful time, she was having trouble keeping her eyes open.

"Goodnight, Captain." Samantha said and picked Naomi up again.

She hadn't left Kathryn's side all evening and had fallen asleep with her head resting on Kathryn's belly.

"Goodnight and give her a kiss from me when you put her to bed. She's such an angel."

"I will."

They were the last ones to get out, except for B'Elanna.

She had just recycled the dishes and was busy putting the chairs back into place.

"B'Elanna..."

"Yes." She sat down in the chair opposite from Kathryn.

"There's something I need to ask you."

"Anything."

"I was wondering... You and Chakotay were pretty close and with my family being all the way back in the Alpha quadrant..." she hesitated for a moment.

"You were wondering?"

"Would you like to be this baby's Godmother?" B'Elanna did a double take. That wasn't something she was expecting to hear.

"I would be honoured."

"I should tell you, I've asked Tuvok to be the Godfather, so I guess planning future parties and such will be your responsibility." Kathryn chuckled.

B'Elanna had to hold back a laugh.

"I don't think that is going to be a problem." she winked.

Kathryn tried to get up from her chair, but she had been sitting down all evening and her back was working against her.

B'Elanna gave her a hand and pulled her up.

"Thank you, not so mobile these days." She stretched her back and winced.

"Are you okay?" B'Elanna asked concerned.

"Fine, but if he or she keeps this going, I'm going to have some fractured ribs." She nudged her side again, trying to calm the baby down.

"May I?"

"Sure." She guided B'Elanna's hand to the same spot as Naomi's before.

"It sure is alive and kicking." B'Elanna smiled. "Must be an awesome feeling."

"It is. I'm sure you'll experience it someday." Kathryn winked.

"Someday." B'Elanna whispered. "I'll leave you to it, you look exhausted."

Just as she wanted to leave, Kathryn grabbed her arm and pulled her into a hug.

Instinctively B'Elanna wrapped her arms around her Captain.

Without saying anything more, they let go of each other and B'Elanna left.

"Finally, I thought she would never leave."

Kathryn let her head fall back at the sound of Q's annoying voice.

She immediately tapped her comm. badge, but there was no beep. She tapped it again and again...

"Don't bother, I've turned it off." She turned around and saw him standing in the doorway to her bedroom.

"What do you want now?"

"I'm here to give you my present. Since I wasn't invited to the baby shower, I thought I'd just wait till everyone was gone."

Kathryn noticed he didn't have a present with him, but she figured he could always snap his fingers and make one appear.

"Make it quick, I'm tired and want to go to bed."

"I can't give it to you yet."

"Why not."

"It's something really special and I want your opinion first."

"Then it won't be a surprise anymore, would it."

"True!"

She bit the inside of her cheek and had to count to ten to keep control, because he was really getting on her nerves.

"Well, I think you should sit down before I 'present' it to you."

"I just got up."

"Suit yourself, don't come crying if you fall flat on your butt." She rolled her eyes and sat down on the armrest of her couch to indulge him.

"It goes against every Starfleet rule and regulation. It is a direct violation of the Temporal Prime Directive. Are you sure you want me to continue?"

He sounded ominous.

"Yes."

"Kathy, you know you hold a very special place in my heart and I hate seeing you in so much pain. Therefore I'm going to give you a gift that will make the pain go away."

He kept holding off and she was getting tired of it.

"Q! Get to it of leave!"

"Are you always this friendly when you're about to get a present from a dear friend?"

"I'm serious. Go away; I've had it with you." She stood up again and walked past him into her bedroom.

"Chakotay!" She stopped dead in her tracks.

"What about him." she asked in a low, angry voice.

"Your present." She turned around and stared at him.

"What do you mean?"

"I thought you were a smart woman. My gift to you is the opportunity to go back in time, keep him from leaving on that away mission and live happily ever after."

Her face went blank, her eyes wide. She suddenly felt light-headed and had to sit down on the bed.

"I told you to sit down." he said smugly.

"Oh my God. This can't be true." she whispered.

"Believe every word I say. I'm giving you a chance of a lifetime. You just have to say yes."

He kept pushing. "Don't tell me you have to think about this."

"No. I don't!"

"Goody! She likes my present." He was about to snap his fingers.

"WAIT!"

"Gosh, Kathy, reeeaaally..."

"There has got to be a catch."

"No, no no, no catch, I swear." He held up his hands in the air. She tilted her head. "Maybe, a little one."

"I knew it. Tell me!"

"I can't."

"TELL ME!" she hissed.

"It's in your best interest that you don't know." He sounded really serious this time.

"If it's something that would endanger the safety of this crew or this ship, I can't go through with it."

Her heart sank when the words came out of her mouth, but she couldn't sacrifice them for her own needs.

"It's not, that I can tell you. I promise, scouts honour."

"Q..."

"Oh all right. I'm such a sucker for breathtaking woman." he frowned and shook his head.

"If I do this, for you, I'll be punished for it. I guess they will 'demote' me to human, make me a mortal or confine me to a meteor like Quinn."

He angrily crossed his arms in front of his chest and stood there, pouting like a boy that didn't get what he wanted.

She stood up and walked up to him. She put her finger under his chin to make him look at her.

"You would do that for me?"

"Apparently."

She reached up, wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

"You can't imagine what that means to me."

She pulled back and looked at him with tear-filled eyes.

Before she could do or say anything more, he took advantage of the situation and kissed her on the lips.

Her eyes widened. When he pulled back, he had the smuggest grin on his face.

He arched an eyebrow and snapped his fingers...


	9. All is good in the DQ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything falls back into place.
> 
> Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek and its characters. Story is all mine!

Kathryn slowly opened her eyes.

She took a moment to take in her surroundings, realizing she was lying in her own bed.

Her hand carefully travelled downward and reality hit her.

She was still very pregnant, which could only mean she hadn't travelled back in time like she thought she had.

Q had played her, toyed with her emotions.

A flood of hurt and disappointment washed over her.

She curled up in a small ball and started crying uncontrollably.

A comforting hand was placed on her shoulder.

"Kathryn, what's wrong?" he asked.

"How can you ask that?"

"What do you mean?"

"He lied to me." she cried. He wrapped his arm around her and kissed the side of her face.

She closed her eyes and expected him to be gone again when she opened them.

"Who lied to you?"

"Q."

"I don't understand. When was Q here?" He pulled her shoulder to make her lie flat on her back.

She opened her eyes again and he was still there.

"He told me I would get you back." she said, barely a whisper.

She reached up to touch his face, tracing the lines of his tattoo.

"When have you lost me?" he smiled lovingly. He bent down and placed a soft kiss on her lips.

It felt so real. _He_ felt so real. When he pulled back, she grabbed his face between both her hands.

"Tell me this is not another dream." she sobbed.

"It's not a dream, just a dream come true. You, me, our baby..."

He rested his hand on her belly and made small circles with his thumb.

Suddenly the baby kicked, reacting to its father's presence.

"Oh my God..." she whimpered, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down into an embrace.

She held on to him for dear life, crying again uncontrollably.

"Shh, its okay, I'm here."

"Never leave me again!"

"I won't." he just said, not knowing what she was talking about.

\--------------------

Chakotay sat down next to her, handing her a cup of tea, still confused about what she had told him just before.

She looked at him, her gaze unwavering. She reached for his hand and he took it, gently squeezing it for reassurance.

He felt she needed it.

"How are you feeling?" he asked concerned.

"Much better now you're here with me again." she smiled faintly.

"For what you told me, I can't even begin to image how you must have felt. The thought of losing you..."

"I went through hell. There were times I just wanted to give up. "

"But you didn't."

"No. Thanks to my 'family', B'Elanna, Tuvok, The Doctor, Neelix... But most of all, for this baby."

She pulled her hand from his and placed it on her tummy.

"After losing you, he or she was the only thing I had left of you. How could I give up on that?"

"I'm glad you didn't."

"You wouldn't have known."

"True, but still..." He took the cup from her and set them both on the night stand.

"Besides, giving up is not a Janeway thing. You have proven that so many times before."

He hugged her again, not only for her, but because he needed it too.

They sat there in silence for several minutes, just holding each other.

"Ouch." She drew in a short breath and held it for a second.

He pulled back and saw her with her eyes closed and her face contorted.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. It's my back, it's killing me." She shifted a little, but it still hurt.

"Help me get up, maybe I've been sitting too long."

He helped her up from the bed and let her walk a little.

"Better?"

"Not really." She winced again, rubbing the side of her belly.

"Shall I call the Doctor?" She nodded.

"Chakotay to Sickbay."

"Go ahead, Commander."

"Something's wrong with..."

"Oh God." Kathryn's eyes widened in shock.

"What?" Both men asked in unison.

"I think my water just broke."

\--------------------

"It's too soon, Chakotay." she panicked a little.

"It'll be all right, let's just get you to sickbay and see what the Doctor has to say." he tried to reassure her, hoping his own anxiety wasn't showing.

They entered sickbay and the Doctor was already getting everything ready to examine her.

"Captain, lay down here please." he gestured towards the bio-bed.

Chakotay helped her up and took her hand while the Doctor scanned her.

"You are in labour all right, but you're only 4 centimetres dilated. This could take a while."

"But it's too soon." she said again.

He smiled reassuringly. "I know, but it has a good size and weight. We'll deal with the rest when it's born."

Kathryn looked up in Chakotay's eyes. He smiled lovingly at her and she relaxed a bit.

"Are you ready to be a mommy soon?"

"As ready as I can be, yes. And you, daddy?" She didn't have the chance to wait for his answer as another contraction hit her.

Her face contorted and she held her breath. "Mmm mmm."

"What can I do?" he asked a little lost.

"There's nothing you can do, I'm afraid." The Doctor said as he came around to the other side of the bed.

"It's going to get a little worse before I can give her something for the pain. We don't want the sedative to wear out when she needs it the most, believe me."

Kathryn looked at him in disbelief. "This is going to get worse?"

She had had her fair share of pain before, but this was something completely different.

Nothing could compare to this pain.

"I need to walk." Chakotay looked at the Doctor in question.

"No problem, just stay with her." he nodded.

Chakotay helped her off the bed again and slowly started walking around with her.

She held on to his arm for support and with her free hand, rubbed her hardened belly.

"Oh, wait..." Grimacing in pain, she held her breath. He put his hand on her lower back and rubbed it gently, making it a little more bearable.

When it passed, she started pacing again. He just followed her, feeling otherwise quite helpless.

\--------------------

"Captain, it's time for you to lie down. Your contractions are coming closer to each other and I'd like to examine you again."

She nodded and walked to the bed, but stopped as she felt another contraction coming.

She braced herself on the side of the bed, leaning on her elbows.

Chakotay gently massaged her back and said, "It'll be okay."

"Mmmmmmmm..." was all she could manage.

As soon as that one had passed, he helped her onto the bed.

The Doctor examined her. "I'm going to give you something for the pain now. It will not be long now."

He injected her with the hypo spray and she immediately felt the effect with the next contraction.

Samantha Wildman walked into sickbay, just in time for it all to start.

"I thought Samantha was the ideal person to guide you through this." The Doctor said.

Kathryn nodded and smiled a faint smile before she started breathing through a contraction.

"We're about to start pushing, Captain." he informed and took his place at the end of the bed.

Samantha helped her pull her knees up and showed Chakotay how to support her back.

"Oh God." Kathryn drew in a breath and pushed. During the contraction, she cried out in pain.

Chakotay tightened his grip around her, not knowing what more he could do.

"You're doing great, Captain." Sam reassured her. Kathryn looked in the woman's eyes and focused on them.

She nodded and took in some deep breaths for the next push.

She grabbed her thighs and began to bear down again. When the contraction ended, she was panting for air.

"I'm so tired." she sighed and her eyes fluttered close.

"I know, just a few more pushes and it'll all be over." Sam gently squeezed her arm and smiled.

"The moment you hold that baby in your arms, this will all be forgotten."

That was something Kathryn couldn't possibly believe as she felt another contraction build up.

She braced herself again and started pushing, giving it all she had.

"The baby will be out with the next push."

"You can do this, beautiful." Chakotay whispered in her ear.

She took a few deep breaths and pushed down hard, crying out when the baby's head passed through.

The Doctor checked the umbilical cord, making sure it wasn't around the baby's neck.

"Would you like to deliver your baby now?" The Doctor asked. Kathryn looked at him in surprise and shook her head, not knowing what to do.

He took her hands and guided it to the baby's shoulders.

"With the next push, just pull it out." he smiled.

She pushed one last time, feeling the baby slide out of her and she pulled it onto her chest.

As soon as she heard her baby cry, she collapsed into Chakotay's arms and closed her eyes in relief.

The biggest smile appeared on her face.

"You did it!" Chakotay said shakily. She opened her eyes and looked up at him, tears running down his face.

She lifted her head and kissed his tear-wet lips.

"I love you!" she whispered.

"I love you too!"

"Captain, Commander, I would like you to meet your baby girl." The Doctor said as he clamped off the umbilical cord.

"Commander, would you like to do the honours?"

He took the scissors and cut the cord. He then caressed his daughter's downy head.

They stared at her as she got settled and quieted down. They were all in complete awe.

"Congratulations, Captain, Commander." Samantha said. "What will you be naming her?"

Kathryn looked at Chakotay, wondering if they ever talked about names. He was still staring at the new-born.

"Cassy. Cassy Gretchen Janeway." he said and looked in Kathryn's eyes, which instantly filled up with tears of happiness.

\--------------------

Kathryn sat in her recliner, watching her little girl suckling at her breast.

She bent down and kissed the black downy hairs on her precious head. She looked exactly like her father, except for her mother's blue sapphire eyes.

"Hey you, you're playing, you need to eat." She gently nudged her cheek and for a minute Kathryn thought she saw her smile.

"Oh, the dimples too?" she chuckled.

Cassy was slowly falling asleep, so Kathryn covered herself and placed the baby on her shoulder.

She was having trouble to keep her own eyes open.

Chakotay entered the room and was instantly mesmerized by the look of his two beautiful girls sleeping.

He quietly knelt down beside them and caressed Kathryn's cheek with his finger. She stirred a little and sluggishly opened her eyes.

"Hi beautiful."

"Hello there, daddy."

"How are my two favourite women on board?"

"Fine, but tired."

Chakotay stood up and carefully took the baby from her to place her in her crib. She didn't even make a peep.

He then turned to Kathryn again, who was lovingly gazing at him.

"You can't imagine how happy I am right now." she smiled.

"Oh, I think I might have an idea." He grabbed her legs and sat down, placing them on his lap.

"All is right now, you know. I have you back, we have the most beautiful baby in the galaxy and for the first time in a long time I feel like I can carry the world."

He ran his fingers through her hair and she leaned into his touch.

"Kathryn?"

"Yes?"

"Will you marry me?"

Her face lit up like the sky on the 4th of July.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she had to swallow past the lump in her throat.

"I... I..."

"I do is for later." he joked. She playfully swatted him on the arm and then flung her arms around his neck.

"Of course I will marry you!"

"And you thought things couldn't get any better." He pulled back and kissed her.

All was good in the DQ...

The End


End file.
